"Thanks for meeting me in such a random time." I say sipping my coffee, my eyes shyly looking up at Meredith. I called her up the next day, since I was going to start my travels in a couple days with Nathan.
"Oh no, I'm pleased you called, quite surprised actually... Is everything okay?" She asks motherly, her eyes full of curiosity, staring intensely into mine.
I nod slowly, my fingers shakily playing with each other. "Um... No.. Not really..." I say with a quiet chuckle, at how sad the situation was. I was desperate enough for advice that I called my mother who I've had no contact with my whole life - talk about new low.
"What's a'matter, peach?" She asks and I don't bother questioning the pet name, my mind just concentrated on forming all my thoughts correctly.
"Well, it's with my boyfriend... And I.... It's also about life in general and... People and I just feel very lost right now and I also feel like I'm drowning and I just don't want to be pulled any further than I already have been..." I say in one breath, my heart rate accelerating just at the sound of my words, my eyes glossing over, my palms dampening.
Maybe I shouldn't talk to Meredith. Maybe she'll judge me. I should have just kept this to myself. She couldn't help me anyways.
"Kat?" She says furrowing her brows at me, her eyes full of concern.
"I'm sorry." I apologize, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.
"I just... Anxiety..." I say between inhales and exhales. I open my eyes to see Meredith staring back at me, her eyes soft, caring.
"It's just been getting worse lately..." I say and she nods, her hands folded underneath her chin.
"What's the main thing that triggers your anxiety?" She asks like a therapist.
"Um, anything really." I shrug although I named them specially in my head: sex, Kyle, the 'cheating' fiasco.
"What's going on with your boyfriend?" She asks softly, no pressure laced in her voice.
"Well... Where do I start," I mumble to myself, "Basically... He um I accused him of cheating on me and he didn't but I installed in my head that he did so now it's kind of just... Awkward..." I say through a stutter, nervously wiping my hands against my pants.
"How did you find out he didn't cheat?"
"It was a misunderstanding over the phone... He said he slept with the woman before we were even an item... That alone still affected me though..." I say with a gulp, watching as Meredith nods her at my words.
"Why does it effect you if you guys weren't together?" She asks curiously, tilting her head to the side to soften the effect of the question.
"Well... Because... They both currently work together and he physically has a connection with her, something he and I don't share..." I say the last part quietly, almost pathetically. I loved him for fucks sake yet I was too scared to give myself to him. I was horrible.
"But don't worry peach, you and Ashton will reach that point in your relationship, you don't need to rush." Meredith says with hope, a smile on her lips.
"See the thing is... I have... I um... There's this thing called.. Glenophobia and well it basically is the fear of... having.. Um, y'know." I stutter embarrassed, averting my eyes to the table.
It's silent for a while and for some weird reason I feel like when I look up at Meredith she'll have a grin on her face ready to laugh in my face at the stupid fear.
"Did something cause the phobia, dear?" She asks after minutes of silence. I try to rack my brain of male encounters when I was younger but nothing pops up.
"No... It's just something I've been dealing with for the past.... 13 ish years..." I shrug, picking at the fray of my jeans.
"M'sorry dear, it must be hard on you. Sex already isn't a lighthearted discussion." She says and I nod, a few tears welling up in my eyes.
"Oh what's wrong dear?" Meredith asks, placing her hand on mine.
"N-Nothing it's just... Ashton says he's okay with it but I don't believe him, he's a guy and someday he's going to want kids o-or just want to be more in love and I can't do that for him.." I say sadly, a few tears rolling down my cheeks.
"If he loves you like he claims he does, sex is the least of his worries, peach." Meredith says with confidence.
"But that just means he's on a physical connection with girls that I'll never be able to reach. I want to be fully his and I want him to be fully mine." I whine, covering my face with my hands.
"Look, Kat - sweetie," Meredith says grabbing one of my hands, "Being in love with someone has nothing to do with being physical. Love is about the mental stability - the late night talks you guys shared, the emotions between you guys. If all that has happened and he says he loves you, he loves you for you. Not for your body, sweetie. And that's how it should be."
I gulp at her words, nodding my head subtly. "Your right..." I mumble, quickly wiping at my eye.
"Is there anything else going on?" She asks and I nod, my teeth coming out to nibble on my bottom lip.
"There's a really long back story to this one but basically... My childhood friend Kyle just resurfaced back into my life but Ashton despises him for specific reasons and he doesn't actually know that I've been chatting with him..." I say shamefully, seeing how horrid it sounds coming out my mouth.
"Tell him, you have to tell Ashton that your allowing your friend back into your life, Ashton doesn't control who you talk to sweetie." Meredith says with confidence and I nod, she made it sound so easy.
"Oh, and Kyle... He's kind of in love with me..."
Meredith's face falls, her head shaking instantly. "I personally wouldn't let him back in my life. That's torture. And imagine how Ashton feels knowing that your hanging out with someone that's in love with you - I'm not helping am I?" She asks.
I chuckle quietly, scratching at my neck. "No, not really."
"Sorry dear, but If he's in love with you why string him along, y'know? It's not heathy for him or your relationship." She says and I nod.
She was right. I was hurting Kyle and Ashton and myself. Our friendship wasn't beneficial. It was hurting my relationship and I didn't want to string Kyle through it any longer. Potentially causing more problems that I didn't need.
"Thanks, for the advice..." I says bashfully to Meredith, my cheeks heating up as she smiles at me.
"Don't thank me dear, I'm always here for you. Promise." She says sincerely.
Maybe this was a good idea. I could count on someone. I had Meredith to talk to, cry to, reason with. She was my wall that I was beginning to lean on and I was okay with that.
-
Not very pleased with this chapter but I'd like to think the story overall is stringing along nicely, hm?
Xx
