I Just Want to be Loved

Crazy

It has been a few days since Louis and my fight. He'd forgiven me and I'd forgiven him. He promised me that he wouldn't cut again, but I couldn't believe him. I know that he would try, but I also knew he would fail. Every cutter at at least one point in time tries to stop cutting, but they don't always succeed.

I'm teaching Louis how to be a vampire and it seems to be going pretty well to be honest. We'd figured out his other emotion and it was a lot better than feeling pain and loss. Well, anything is better than feeling pain and loss.

His is compassion. I would love for compassion to be mine, but I'm not that lucky.

The other boys don't know about him being a vampire. Harry knows, of course, because we seem to always tell Harry everything.

He's both of our food sources, but we know that it will soon be too much for his body to handle and we'll have to tell another one of the boys so we don't literally drain Harry dry.

I still haven't told anyone about the voices. They were terrifying to me and I wish they would go away. I have no control over them. They come and go as they please. I still haven't seen another hallucination of anything.

Well, hearing things that aren't there is considered hallucinating, but whatever.

Some days are worse than others. Today, well, today was the worst day yet.

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Louis and I were lying on the couch watching a movie when they started up again.

"Come on, just do it!" Zayn said to me.

"I know it's hard," Harry added.

"You need to be here for your baby," Niall said.

"I'm still angry that you killed me," Meghan told me.

I flinched at the last one.

“Are you okay?” Louis asked and I nodded. “Are you sure? Are you hungry or something? If you are I could make you some food, or you can just go to Harry who’s upstairs.”

“It’s not that,” I said quickly and shook my head. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Then what is it?”

“Nothing.”

“There’s something. You’ve been acting weird for the past few weeks and I thought it was just that you were keeping a secret from me, but even though I know it, you’re still jumpy.”

“It’s nothing,” I said again.

“Tell me.”

“Don’t pressure me into telling you things,” I snapped and Louis put his hands up in defense.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m curious, that’s all.”

“Well that sucks, doesn’t it?”

“You can tell me, I’ll understand.”

“No, you won’t.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Your emotions are different from mine.”

“I get that, but why can’t you just explain to me how it feel?”

“It feels like I’m getting my heart ripped out,” I said and Louis flinched.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I get and a pain in my chest and it feels like there’s a weight on my heart pulling it down and then it just becomes unbearable.”