I Just Want to be Loved

I'm Sorry

Buzz Buzz Buzz

The calendar on my phone was going off, just like it had a year ago. August 2nd.

Things had changed so much in the past year.

I just stared at the calendar alert as tears fell down my face, and eventually the buzzing woke Louis up.

“What’s  wrong love?” he asked and wrapped his arm around me.

“He’d be four,” I whispered and I turned of the notification, put my phone on the nightstand and turned so my face was in Louis’ chest.

“It’s okay,” Louis whispered and ran his fingers through my hair.

“I miss him. I miss him so much,” I cried and Louis tightened his arms.

"It’s okay. It’ll all be okay. Just go back to sleep,” he whispered and I nodded.

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When I woke up again, Louis was gone. My face was wet from tears, and more were pouring over every second.

I couldn’t bring myself to move, so I just laid in bed for a few minutes thinking.

Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett.

Why did he have to die? I missed him so much! Why did Jake have to walk into my room and find me that day? Why couldn’t he have just showed up two minutes later? Why couldn’t I have just died then and be with my baby now?

People keep telling me that I’ll get over him, or that everything will one day be better, but their wrong.

Nothing will ever be better. I’ll live the rest of my life wanting to see his beautiful face just one more time.

I’ve talked to mothers who’ve had to bury their children, but I could tell that they were lying when they said that they’ve come to peace with it. I could tell that they were all dead inside.

And those women had only lost one child. I’d lost three. It was unfair. Life was unfair.

I stood up, and I walked out of my room. When I got to the kitchen, I saw Harry eating lunch.

“Why are you crying?” he asked me.

“No reason,” I replied as I wiped my eyes and walked out the door.

“Britt,” Harry said as he stood up and ran out after me, “what wrong?”

“Nothing,” I told him and I tried to keep walking to my car, but Harry put his hand on my shoulder and turned me around.

“Brittany, please, tell me,” he said as I shoved me face into his chest and sobbed.

We stood there one the sidewalk for a few minutes. My arms were around him, and his arms were around me. One hand was stroking my hair to try and call me down, but it wasn’t working. Harry wouldn’t let me move and he kept whispering, “It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay,” over and over again into my ear.