The Alpha's Runaway

Chapter 54: Not How It Was Meant To Be (part 1)

We went to a very fancy place- I can't even pronounce the name. It was an Italian fancy ass restaurant. Awkward as hell, it was my whole family, and the were-wolves. And we made it through the dinner- my grandfather paid before he left- leaving us no room for argument.

I am laying on the hotel bed, Xavier is next to me. And we are in silence. I hate awkward silence.
"So..." I started, he moved his head and looked at me "...pick a topic"
"Rob."
"What? Why?"
"Why not."
"Fine, what do you want to know?"
"You said you'd always love him, is that true?"
I sat up, "it's not like that, I love him for our past- because I did truly actually love him. I love him for the memories, and as a person who took my virginity, I love him for what he caused me to see, for the pain and anger that caused me to change. But not like... that. The person I am now- I don't love him. We have a past yes- but we are strangers now."
"Strangers... did he ever calm your panic attacks down."
"Yes, but he also caused them. You don't understand." I ran my fingers through my hair "It wasn't like they said it would be. Yes it was butterflies, and this feeling like on a roller coaster, but I cried so much- and all I could say is 'I didn't even do anything wrong.' over and over as I cried until I couldn't see out of my swollen eyes. He calmed me down- but he caused them. I always said no, I always tried to move his hands away, I always tried to break free. ALWAYS. But after a while- I gave up because he didn't understand the meaning of no. Every last first experience -except kiss- was with him and I didn't want them to happen, but he was stronger he could hold me on his lap not letting me pull away as he rubbed against me. I didn't fight it after a while- and no I'm not saying I didn't like it after a while. But that's not love- I loved him, and till this day he will never admit that his part was only lust. It was never like I imagined love to be, but my heart was true. It's like even the way we said 'I love you' I only said it cause he got mad at me for not saying it back after he said it a few times. It wasn't how love was suppose to me, but that was us. That was me. But the person I am now, is not the same person I was 10 months ago. It has been a long time- a hell of a struggle, but I have changed, my mindset...everything... I was seventeen, I was suppose to make mistakes. I'm allowed to make mistakes." 

He looked at me, "do you love me?" 
"Do I have to answer that?"
"I suppose not. Let's get you some chicken nuggets, love."