My story, My mistakes, My broken Heart

Feb 2nd, 2011

Dear Journal,

I still feel awful. I can't quit thinking about how much I screwed up, he has called me a few times, and we have talked I can tell he is trying to be there for me without being to pushy, I just wish that I could tell him it was a mistake, that I love him but I wasn't ready for that, I just don't think he would understand and I don't want him to think that I am just some stupid little girl who doesn't know what she is doing. I am not, I know what I am doing, I am just afraid of getting everything that I cared about ripped away from me, of losing a piece of me to someone who wasn't supposed to have it. I hate this feeling, it is like I am always out of control, I never seem to be able to make the choices that are beneficial to me. I mean look at my list of guys, you have Brody and Keghan, they were both abusive, then you have my first fling with Tyler the druggie, my year long relationship and engagement to a pastor in training(not sure why I thought I could be a pastors wife), then you have the first time I tried to be with Mike, and then you have my only good choice Aaron, and even Aaron wasn't without his challenge, I mean after we broke up it took us almost a year to be able to see each other without sneaking kisses, I am so surprised that we never got caught, and so happy that Katie understood. It is crazy when I think that they are engaged and expecting a baby, that could have been me. Then you have my 2nd fling with Tyler, that one got serious but thankfully I got out before I was to attached to his daughter, and before he relapsed back into drugs. And now Mike again. Hmmm I think that I should no longer be allowed to pick, I am not doing a good job, and hiding everything from Bryan would probably be a good start. So Saturday I guess we will see how I feel, hopefully we don't kiss to much I know that my uncle won't be too mad but i would rather tell him once we were together.

Always,

Bre