Crumble: A Destiel AU

[4]

XXX [Castiel] XXX

I just didn't understand what happened after it went down. I told him I liked him, he told me he liked me in a brotherly way, and that's it. That's all that happened and he seems to think there is this awkward tension between us now and I don't know why. Sure I kind of admitted that I liked him and he may not know how he feels about it or maybe he thinks he's been leading me on. I don't want him to feel bad about it, it wasn't his fault. I got myself into this situation and it had nothing to do with him or his actions. Well, that's not true, it had everything to do with him; but it wasn't like he knew I was attracted to him or anything. If psychology has taught me anything, it's that everyone has a different thinking process, and he may see it from a different point instead of mine. I feel like I should confront him about but I don't want to make it anymore awkward for him than it already is.

"Dean, I need to tell you something." I turned to him on the couch. He nodded and looked at me dead in the eyes. "I don't know how you'll react to it and I don't want to ruin our friendship but I feel like I need to tell you. So here it goes... Dean,-" his voice interrupted my thought. "Cas, I know. You like me, as in more than a friend, and not in the brotherly way that I said last night. I need to be honest with you, I never thought about you like that in that way before. Last night, I realized that I've been spending so much time with you and you were probably thinking I was leading you on and I feel like a great big jerk because I never noticed and now we're really close. But here's the thing, I noticed there's this thing about you, this thing that makes me want to spend all this time with you and not really care about anything else. I- I've never been in a relationship with another man, I've not really been in what people call a "relationship" with really anyone, but if you feel strongly for me, and I feel like I could figure out what I feel about us being whatever we would be, then I want to know how you feel about it." A thick silence blanketed the car for a moment before I found the words I needed. "Dean, I don't want to make you feel like just because I have some feelings for you that you need to be obligated to date me just so you don't have to reject me. I haven't been in many relationships either, but I do know that what everyone else does should not have to apply to us. We aren't everyone else and I'll be damned if you think we have to. You know me well enough by now to know I have very strong opinions and this is one of those things. I get that we are most likely a cliché if anything, but that doesn't mean we have to be. On one hand, I'm flattered that you would accept being in a relationship with me and be okay that I like you more than you like me and that means a lot to me; but on the other hand, I don't want you to secretly be uncomfortable dating me if you aren't into me like I am to you. I don't want you to be in that position and I certainly don't want to ruin our friendship for something that could potentially make us hate each other; it just doesn't sit well with -"

Having Dean Winchester interrupt you by pulling the car to the side of the road and kiss you is probably the least expected thing he could do, but I wasn't complaining. I wasn't sure of anything in that moment, and I didn't move. I had become complete frozen, and everything around me became still, except Dean. The longer I was froze, the harder he pressed into me, putting more force into the kiss. I finally gave in and parted mine slightly, my hand caressing the familiar stubble. "I never said I didn't like you. I just said that I'm not sure how I feel. I've had problems with other people my whole life, and my father was never around. I've become more out of tune with my feelings if you know what I mean. It just takes more for me to feel anything like that. I have a lot of issues and it worries me when I get involved with people. I don't want to hurt them just because I'm fucked up, so I shut down." I understood his point, and it made sense. Dean had told me about his absentee father and deceased mother, having to raise his little brother on his own basically, and he never had a home when he was young. He had abandonment and trust issues and he doesn't want to hurt anyone. He didn't want to hurt me.

XXX [Dean] XXX

I hated being vulnerable in front of people, but I hated hurting Cas even more. It was so hard for me to open up like that and not cry. My family was everything to me, because that's all I had. Every time I've gotten attached to something, it gets taken away from me. I don't want the same to happen to Cas. He's probably thinking I'm bipolar and can't make up my mind with what I want, and I'm teasing him. "Dean, it's perfectly fine if you haven't decided if you like me in that way or not. I honestly can wait for you, but don't force yourself into fake loving me just because you care for me. If you need space to think about things, then I can get out of your hair for a while." Cas was so willing to help me figure everything out when all I really wanted was to sit here with him forever. "please don't." it came out as a desperate whisper, it sounded just as I felt.

For the next few hours, we didn't see each other. It wasn't until it was time to go home that we had a proper conversation. He was waiting outside my car by the time I got there. It was a thick silence until we were all alone in the impala, like nothing else existed outside of it. "Hello Dean." It was his simple greeting, which meant he thought there was some sort of tension between us. "Cas, I know you. Nothing is weird between us, there's no reason for it to be." Of course, that was the sentence that made the car ride home even more awkward, by coating every inch of the car in a blanket of silence. Although we didn't talk, we still followed our usual routine; park outside my house, cross the street to his, go inside and play with Sam for a while, and make dinner. We had spent so much time together that I had almost parked in his driveway and had to correct myself at the last minute. It was almost time for bed and I wasn't sure if he wanted me to go home. I decided for myself he wanted me to distance myself and went for the door. "Dean, please don't leave me."