The Diary of a Struggling Genderfluid: 2

For Those Experiencing Dysphoria

Shoutout to @NightOwlHatter for suggesting the subject of this chapter. I'll try my best.

*WARNING: THIS CHAPTER TALKS ABOUT TRANS BODY IMAGE/DYSPHORIA AND MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME PEOPLE*

So guys.

I know I've talked a little bit about dysphoria before in this book, but I've never really talked about how I handle it and what I do to lessen it.

I am going to be 100% honest about this. I don't often handle dysphoria very well. I have a very negative body image, and am extremely dysphoria about my chest and feminine body. I wish I was more masculine, thinner, could cut my hair right, had a flat chest. The list goes on and on. And I don't handle it very well. In all honesty, I still cry myself to sleep over it, get self conscious if I have to go out, and just in general am horrible.

However, I do have some ways of dealing with it that I try really hard to do.

HERE WE GO.

Tips on how to deal with your dysphoria.

Wear baggy clothing.

This is basically my go to to tone down my dysphoria. While it doesn't really do anything to change my body, it helps me hide the parts I don't like, namely my chest and my hips. I often pair baggy sweatshirts with jeans or sweatpants in the colder months, and in the summer I buy t-shirts that are too large and wear long shorts. Or I just wear pajamas.

I find that this really helps most of the time. It makes it so that I'm not constantly seeing my breasts or my hips, and is generally much less distracting for going to school. Plus it's just damn comfortable.

Binding/Packing.

I generally do this when I'm very extremely dysphoric. I have a binder, but I do tend to limit how much I use it because a) it's hard to hide it from my parents because I have such large breasts and it's noticeable unless I wear a large baggy jacket over it to school and b) since my breasts are large (I think a 36c or maybe a little larger) it ends up hurting my chest/ribs by the end of the day. I still usually pair a binder with baggy clothing.

Make sure when you bind you use safe methods. DO NOT USE AN ACE BANDAGE TO BIND YOUR CHEST. They are very harmful and can permanently damage your ribcage. Even if you aren't allowed to/cannot afford a binder, there are plenty of diy ways to bind that can be just as effective. You can use the double sports bra method, I think you can use a cami tank top with a built in bra, there's plenty of ways. Just do a little Google search and you can find tons of ways.

Now with packing. I've never packed, just because I don't experience bottom dysphoria as much. I still do, but mostly when I'm on my period. However, I do have some advice. If you want to pack, try and find a good pair of boxers, and even if you can't afford a packer, a pair of socks will work just fine for it. Take the socks and put them in that little pouch of extra space in the boxers, and viola! A very legit looking bulge in your pants.

For all my amab people out there who want to look more feminine, I apologize for not having as much advice for you. I don't have any experience with it, so I don't feel qualified giving advice on it.

Wear neutral clothing as much as possible.

I know that this sounds like weird advice, but just hear me out here. I know my parents don't let me shop in the men's section of stores, but they do allow me to buy masculine shirts in the women's section. I find that by buying unisex t-shirts and sweatshirts, you can just kind of throw on the neutral clothing and you end up looking more masculine if you're afab. If you're feeling feminine, you're always still going to have those few old fen shirts from a million years ago that you can throw on. I just find that neutral clothing eliminates that pressing decision of WHAT DO I FEEL TODAY and it's probably the closest thing to masculine or men's clothing that you'll find for masc days.

As much as it is tempting, look in the mirror as little as possible.

I know that for me, looking in the mirror can be a terrible reminder. 'Oh wow, look at this wrong body I've been given' or 'man I wish I didn't/did have boobs/flat chest/penis/vagina/nothing there'. But you have to try and not scrutinize yourself. I know it's hard, but it's always going to make it feel way worse for you.

That's pretty much all I've got you guys. And to all of you out there struggling to express yourselves because you've been forbidden by your parents, try to have faith and know that one day you'll be able to express how you want, be who you want to be. It'll be a long hard uphill climb, but trust me, it will be worth it.

I love you guys. If you have anything to add to this list, please leave them in the comments!

A really anxious/overworked Grey out. (boy)

(Ps: I've been procrastinating homework writing this. Damn you basically all my classes. Damn you school. Go fuck yourself. Ok. Sorry. School rant done. Peace.)