The Diary of a Struggling Genderfluid: 2

How do I do it, guys...?

I'll put a trigger warning here, mention of PTSD, abuse, related topics.

Guys.

The time has come for me tbh.

I had a job interview today, for a job working at Subway. Sounds like if I get it I'll be working with nice people and such, which is great. If I get it, I doubt I'll be able to fit in any time for homework at all on the weekends and how do I see anyone on the weekends I don't and how do I learn to drive I don't please summer come fucking faster.

My mom decided to bring up the topic of the Monster again today, and honestly, my walls are wearing thin at keeping out the memories.

The Monster has recently become more involved with Buttface, like, much more involved, and I knew it was coming, but I just kept denying it. Eventually, Buttface's 8th grade graduation will come and I obviously want to go. But with the Monster being involved, guess who will be there?

I know I can't keep running forever. Eventually we'll meet again, and I'm so absolutely terrified I'll break out in tears because I know she's gonna approach and try to talk to me I just know it. I haven't seen her for fucking years obviously she's not just gonna see me and stay away.

And if I get this job at Subway (a place that the Monster and Buttface frequent quite often for dinner on their visitation), what do I do if they go there while I'm working? Do I serve her and try to move her on even if she's blocking up the line? Do I talk to my manager? Do I simply not respond?

How am I not to respond?

I'm sorry guys, my thin walls are failing. Every bad dream that wakes me up at night that she's in terrifies me, and it's all because that stuff was real. It happened. I've had a reoccurring nightmare for years of her searching for me, and I hide in the bathroom on the toilet until she comes in, searching. Every time I wake up just as she finds me, a silent scream echoing in my scratchy throat and my heart pounding.

What am I gonna do? I don't know. I'm trying to fortify the walls guys but dysphoria is dragging them down because I finally found my gender and it just decided to whip me and double me over with self hate but I'm not fallen over.

Not yet.

I don't know what to do. Sorry for spreading bad vibes guys, but I can't.

Markie out. (demiboy)