The Diary of a Struggling Genderfluid: 2

The Gender Tag

After so long of wanting to do this, I am finally doing it.

Here it is.

My Gender Tag.

I tag anyone who wants to do it!

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1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

I am genderflux, and that, to me, means my gender fluctuates between feeling male and feeling like my gender is neutral. However, most of the time I feel male or partially male, and always feel that connection to masculinity even when my gender is neutral.

2. What pronouns honor you?

They/them and he/him :)

3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

My clothing style is really really weird. I wear jeans most often, especially now that it's winter, and lots of big sweatshirts and loose-fitting clothing. I do have some feminine cut shirts still, but I hardly ever wear them without something over it, like a sweatshirt or flannel. I dress pretty casual, and almost always wear sneakers. Oh and also, random fact, my socks can't match, unless they're fuzzy socks, which are an exception to the rule. For some reason, whenever I wear matching socks, I have a really terrible day. It's proven scientific fact.

4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?

Well, my hair is pretty short. Unfortunately not as short as I'd like it to be, but I deal with it. I generally don't do much with it, as I am literally the laziest person ever when it comes to my hair. Also, I get out of bed much later than I should in the morning, so that doesn't help. As I'm afab, I don't have any facial hair (sad face). I usually shave my underarms, just because I sweat a lot (thanks dad) and it helps to reduce the sweating. My leg hair I tend to not want to shave. However, o do shave it once in a while when it almost hurts taking off my jeans.

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?

I don't wear makeup. Maybe I would wear a bit of casual makeup if I ever had time, but I'm more into special effects makeup. I paint my nails very occasionally, but I do like to and if I was less lazy I probably would do it more. When I shower, I use some kind of Dove shampoo and Tresemè conditioner, and Irish Spring antibacterial soap. I also wash my face with oil free face wash to try and keep my oily face under control. I don't generally wear perfume or cologne. I just rely on my handy dandy deodorant and nice smelling laundry detergent to make me smell fresh and clean.

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. And every day. I'm not out to most of my school and even some of my friends, and even if I'm pretty masculine in how I present, strangers generally call me ma'am and such.

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

I do experience dysphoria. Mostly top dysphoria, but I also do get a bit dysphoric about my hips. I have like huge hips. And they don't lie.

Dysphoria affects me every day. Mostly, I just use big clothes to cover up, but sometimes I wear the binder I have. It hurts my chest more than I anticipated it would when I first got it, but it really helps me on the days where I especially cannot stand my chest. I also just really hate looking in the mirror, because no matter what I do my face just always looks feminine and it sucks asshole.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

If I ever have any children, it will be through adoption. I know I'm not carrying a baby, and besides, there are a lot of children in this world that need a parent or parents to take care of them. And I think my partner and I would split the care over the child.

9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

Well, it definitely doesn't matter to me who makes more money in any kind of family/ partner relationship I have. While I do slightly prefer to make more money, just because I don't feel like I'm doing enough otherwise, it's not a big deal. And I don't usually go on dates, but it does make me a little uncomfortable when people pay for me.

10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

I want to give out some advice. Everyone is going to have a different experience with their gender, and sometimes people identify as one thing and then that identity switches and can change. Everyone you meet will be on a gender journey, so try not to compare your journey with someone else's. I find it makes me more dysphoric and down.

That's all I got for you guys. Love ya!

Grey out.