The Diary of a Struggling Genderfluid: 2

I Hate Names.

So this is an odd title.

I'm just a little mad at myself.

It's odd. I chose Grey. I like Grey. It's a good name. A strong name. My full name is strong too. Grey Patrick Elliot. It's a great name. 

I don't understand why recently I haven't been feeling it.

Grey, I mean. I like the other two names, but there's something about Grey that's been nagging at me. It feels right but at the same time it doesn't. Sometimes G feels more right and sometimes I feel like Patrick is more suited to how I'm feeling. It's just irritating. I don't want to change my name again because that would be a fucking hassle and a half but I'm just angry.

Besides, what the fuck is a name anyway? It's a word to address the corporeal being that is you. Your body is addressed by a group of words that make a sound that is your name. Your name could be something like Jgsjfkg, but it's still a group of sounds to address you. Like seriously, that's all a name is, besides identification and stuff.

Sorry. I know names are important to a lot of you and I know they are to me but I'm just irritated this afternoon.

A lot of irritating things have been happening. Namely:

-FUCKING BUTTFACE OK

-my dad was keeping from me the fact that my grandpa is in the hospital (dw thankfully this time it isn't life threatening (so far) but it still really fucking pissed me off)

-I piss myself off sooooooooooooo much you don't even know like I haven't been able to identify what the fuck gender I'm feeling like I'm weeks and nothing I've worn makes me feel right and dysphoria has smacked me with a motherfucking brick in the face I'm so sorry I'm writing when I'm pissed off again and I shouldn't

-having to get a job

-my parents piss me the fuck off in general

-school teachers piss me off

-annoying and hateful people piss me off

-being misgendered pisses me off

Ok. This digressed. I should get back to writing my English speech now. Someone send me a box of chocolates a professional massage piles of clothes and shoes that I want and money enough for top surgery and one big fuzzy pillow bed that engulfs my being.

I'm sorry I'm everywhere tonight I'll stop wasting your time

Peace

G out.