The Diary of a Struggling Genderfluid: 2

Disassociation

Hey everyone.

Hope you've been having a good day. If not, well, I haven't either. Try to look up though, chap. I love you.

Thanks guys for 20K on my first journal btw, and 4K on this one.

So, today we had no school. It was good I guess. I woke up to my alarm and turned on my light this morning, and got fully awake before I found out we didn't have school. It was hard to go back to sleep, but it was alright I guess. I stayed in bed until almost twelve before eating breakfast, and then I had to go out and shovel.

I had to shovel a path so my mom could get up the driveway in her front wheel car. I work my ass off with my brother and sister to get it done, but lo and behold she gets home before we finish and gets pissed as fuck for no reason really. She pulls back out and we go back to finishing that half of the driveway, and eventually get her in. She tells us to leave the other half of the driveway for my dad when he gets home.

We hang out for a while. My dad gets home same time as my niece comes over, and he of course is like 'why didn't you take initiative you should have shoveled it' etc. I didn't care. He went out to finish the snow blowing and start work.

I watch my niece for most of the time, and then my mom leaves for the store. As soon as she leaves and I start to put together a toy truck for my niece, the power goes out.

The power came on three hours later. But the time in between consisted of a lot of fighting with my dad, who was really on edge today and has put me in a bad and self-hatingy mood.

Anyway, let's get into the main point of this chapter, shall we?

So the other day I looked up what disassociation is and took a few tests, and realized I do it a lot. Basically, it's when I disassociate from reality and what's actually happening to the point that it negatively affects me. Mostly it's triggered by boredom, and I never realize I'm doing it until after its already happened and I have no idea what happened in the last twenty minutes. It's really disorienting. I'm not 100 percent sure what to do. Ronnie's been trying to help but it's hard to stop when I don't know the disassociating is happening until after. Idk guys.

I'm a lot a bit exhausted in every aspect. But I'm probably gonna keep pushing myself.

Love you guys.

G Pat out. (agender)