Addict with a pen (A tøp fanfic)

·Chapter 7·

They say dreams are wonderful and they make you feel like it's real life. They're supposed to be the things that you wish to happen not the things that you're most afraid of..

And that's what I dream of all the time.

If someone were to ask me, what's your biggest fear? I could list many of them but my biggest fear, is fear itself. Fear eats you up inside and chokes you. You try to breathe normally but soon you're hyperventilating and almost passing out. It's exhausting. Fear will always be there. It will never die. It will die down but it'll never die out completely. That's just reality.

I can't help thinking deeply about these kind of things. I overthink so much, it's ridiculous. I don't know why I do it, it just happens..

One of the reasons I stay awake at night is because I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I'll have nightmares again. I'm afraid when I wake up, this won't be just a bad dream, it'll be a nightmare. I'm afraid of a lot of things. But most of all, I'm afraid of my Blurryface.

Whenever I listen to my dad's and uncle josh's album, it pains me that this is how I feel when negativity crawls in the darkness, rushing through my veins and up my skull whenever it has the chance to. Why do we have our own Blurryface? I know the answer but I don't at the same time. I'm afraid to open my mouth. I feel like if I do, no one listens to me at all. They just misinterpret everything I say, when I don't mean any harm at all.
That's why it's hard for me to open up to people. I'm so used to keeping everything inside that it's so difficult to even try to talk about this ball in my chest.

I close my eyes and try to fall asleep.

I fail.

I sigh deeply and get up.

I open my bedroom door as quietly as possible and walk to my parent's bedroom. I wanted someone to accompany me outside, nature calmed me down and helped me keep my mind at peace, even just a tiny bit.

I open my parent's bedroom door silently and look in. My mom is sleeping on the right side of the bed with her hands tucked in on the side of her head. She snores softly, ladylike, actually. My dad is on his back and I don't know if he's sleeping or not. I look at him and feel his eyes open and look at me through the darkness. I make a hand signal at him and point towards the backyard door in the dining room. He looks at my mom sleeping and gets off the bed as quickly as he can, without disturbing her.

He puts his slippers on and speed walks towards me and leads him and I out the door. We walk out and he closes the door behind us.

He puts his hands in his pockets and walks towards the backyard door. We walk in silence until we're finally outside.

"Couldn't sleep?"

I shake my head as I sit on the porch, criss-crossing my legs.

"Me neither."

"Why?" I ask, turning my head towards him, looking him in the eyes.

"It seems that I can't sleep whenever you can't sleep."

"I guess we're connected on a spirtual level," I share a dry laugh.

"You could say that."

We sit in silence, hearing the crickets chirp for a while until I interrupt again.

"Dad?"

"Yes?" He says, looking straight forward at the wilderness.

"Why am I so afraid all of the time?"

"That's a big question."

"It is. Do you have the answer?"

"No but I can share my opinion on that question."

"Okay."

"There's always going to be fear in everything but we need to learn how to control that fear. We do that by taking risks, making mistakes, and learning from them. That makes us better people in whatever we do. Fear is petrifying but with fear, the wonderful things come along. All of this, takes time."

"I never thought about it that way, that gives me a better insight on things, thank you," I set my hands on my lap.

"We all have to learn how to control fear by ourselves but that doesn't mean we can't have support. I'm here to teach you, help you, guide you so that you can be the best version of yourself."

"You're such a good dad," I hear a voice behind me.

"Jenna, I thought you were asleep," Dad turns around, facing my mom.

"I know when you wake up, Tyler. And I knew you would be up especially by the events that have recently took place," She says, sitting down on the cool porch.

"What are you two, talking about?" She asks.

"We couldn't sleep so we're just talking about fear," Dad replies.

"Ah so I see. Can I share my insight on fear, as well?"

We nod and begin to listen to her words.

"What I've learned from fear is that it can tear you apart but you have to fight it. You have to fight your entire life to achieve what you desire and deserve. Fear wants to stop that but you can't let it. You can win. You learn from fear. In a way it's like a teacher, a horrible, painful one, but it's still a teacher. I believe that this emotion is in every person's life and sometimes it destroys important relationships but it also forms the strong ones that last."

"There is so much that I don't know. I feel so stupid," I look down at my hands and close my eyes.

"You're not going to know everything, Catharsis. However, we can teach you all that we know to help you," Dad says, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close.

"I'm sorry. For everything. I'm so sorry."

"None of this is your fault, we love you more than anything and anyone in the world," Mom says, scooting over to me and wrapping her arms around me.

I start to cry.

And as I cry, my parents hold me.

They don't say anything and their silence keeps me mellow.

They hold me until I get tired of crying.

They hold me until I fall asleep.

They are my parents.

This is what they do.

This is who I want to be one day.