Pharaoh's Eye

Pharaoh's Eye ♋ XIV

Caira

Last night when we finished I felt comfortable, I felt like I made a conscious decision to do this . Personally now that I think about it, there's too much damn hype behind losing your virginity . Everybody wants it to be special, everybody wants it to feel bomb ass hell, and everybody instantly think they're pros . That's not the case at all though, I didn't necessarily feel any of those things . I told myself from the beginning I want it to mean something to me, I want it to be a story that will make me laugh, cry, and smile all in one, and I said I want it to feel good . Feeling good not only physically, but mentally . I told myself I want to feel high, like I took a bottle of ecstasy previously before and as I'm coming down from my high I'm smiling from ear to ear . My first sexual experience went something like that, I knew what I was doing and it was somewhat what I wanted it to be . Why I chose last night to be the night I can't explain, Julius took me to that point and I didn't want to go back . It would have been better mentally if Julius and I were closer together or had a relationship similar to Jermaine and I . If I told somebody what I did last night, most likely they would be surprise I didn't just let Jermaine to be the one to pop the cherry and make love to me since him and I are closer . They would probably say I was stupid because Jermaine wants a relationship with me and who knows what Julius wants, he probably could've just wanted to fuck . It doesn't always have to be that way, it's not who should be with me it's about who I wanted to give it away too .

There is no right way to losing your virginity, do what you think feels right for you . Sometimes what you think is right, maybe wrong to others . I don't think Jermaine got the short end of the stick in this, I did not want to have sex with him and I'm glad I came to that realization before it was too late, Jermaine is not the one for me . I don't want to be with him, I don't think I ever will . Having sex with him would be like if I was to have sex with Hakeem, that's just wrong . I did exactly what I told him I would do, give him 3 days to see if I want to pursue a relationship with him . The three days meant nothing to me, I'm glad I gave them a try but I didn't feel anything for him that I been feeling for Julius . One thing I did not do was jump out my drawers because of him bringing me to my mother's house allowing us to get that relationship I been wanting since Gerald stepped into the picture . I almost had sex with him because in that moment I wanted to try it, that's all the explanation I need . 

I've been feeling Julius, it's kind of hard not to when you vibe and have a lot in common with someone . I liked the fact of how he introduced me to his Aunt who is his standing mother figure, he didn't just introduce me as his friend he said to her this is the young lady I was telling you about . She embraced me like I was apart of the family, I felt welcomed and comfortable . I like how Julius wasn't completely pressed with me, he didn't step out of line to get me in his room or speak to me in a sexual way, he respected me . I could've waited a year or more and if Julius was still good to me, I still would have lost my virginity to him . The years I known him doesn't have anything to do with giving my virginity up, him making me feel comfortable did .

Going down the list and breaking it down, having sex with Julius did mean something to me . Before  having sex Julius and I connected mentally, I might be younger than him but we still had meaningful conversations with each other . He always had me thinking and never treated me like I was too young to give my two cents . During the sex, he thought about my opinion if this was what I wanted to do . Julius didn't even wait for an answer after he noticed I was a virgin, he said I don't think you want this for me I should've asked you first and then he pulled out . What guy does some shit like that ? He thought about me before thinking about his own damn needs, that was sweet of him and I felt a deeper liking for him after that . This will be a story that will make me laugh, cry, and smile in one, I'll laugh thinking why the hell didn't I do this sooner . I hope I don't cry, but maybe when I get older and think back on it I'll probably say I should have waited to get to really know him but I don't regret doing this . I'll always smile because I know the decision I made and it felt right for me to do, it was with someone I trust . Julius definitely made me feel good mentally, it was the little things like the words he said and the fact that his ass put a condom on and made the decision himself to say I wasn't ready . Jermaine did not put a condom on when he was about to get in me, that turned me off . When it was over, I didn't feel like I was high . I felt like I took a bottle of Nyquil and took my ass to sleep .