My Saving Grace (Book 3)

November 10, 2029

"Headache." Scott heard Jessica say as she stumbled into the kitchen. It had been a week since she had come home late. Scott hadn't forgotten about it, in fact she had been on his radar constantly. When she asked to go out on Friday night with some friends and be back late... Something about going to the cinema... Scott was more than reluctant to let her go but he did anyway because he wanted to be fair. As always.

"I hope you aren't sick." Scott said concerned. Jessica sat down at the table and held her head in her hands. She had gotten home at twelve the night before. Jess knew she wasn't sick, she was just hungover. Too many long drinks with different types of alcohol in them had passed through her digestive system. She had vomited on the way home but had managed to keep the rest of her stomach on the inside once her father had opened the door for her.

Scott walked forward and pressed the back of his hand against her forehead. She was cold, clammy sort of feel, a feel that Scott didn't recognise as sickness but something else. He chose to ignore it. "You're not burning up. Here take an Advil and some water and go back to bed." He said placing them in front of her. She nodded, taking them and swallowing the pills with a gulp of water. She shuffled back upstairs without another word.

Alex entered as she walked past. He frowned noticing her lack of energy. "What's up with her?" He asked resting his elbows on the counter. Scott turned, frowning a little.

"Headache." Scott answered. He moved to the other side of the counter and stared at Alex. "I don't know." He added, rolling his eyes. He rested their foreheads together and closed his eyes, taking  a deep breath and letting it all out at once. Alex smiled, connecting his lips to Scott's. The small smile that appeared on Scott's lips was enough to make the dead weight in the room be lifted.

"I was thinking about taking Toby out for lunch?" Alex whispered after a while. Scott nodded? "I  wanted to talk to him. See how's he's getting on. Maybe I'll be able to get something out of him, you know?"

"Yeah, don't push it though." Scott said. Alex nodded.

"I was also thinking about maybe going to see Noah with him." Alex added, his voice tiny. Scott smiled sadly and nodded. "Replace the flowers or something."

"He still hasn't gotten over it you know? I can see it every time we mention him. He's lost." Scott whispered.

"I know, I know. I just... Hey Tob!" Alex greeted noticing the boy that had just appeared in the doorway.

"Hey..." He said, frowning as Scott stood up straight.

"I'm going to Mitch's house today cause I haven't seen him in a couple of days and Jake turned three the other day and I haven't dropped his present over so..." Scott rambled.

"You're a great godfather." Alex said sarcastically.

"Thanks babe." Scott rolled his eyes and began to walk upstairs to get ready.

"So I was wondering if you wanted to go out later for lunch and maybe go see Noah if you wanted. You know freshen up his flowers." Alex asked. Toby nodded a little.

So later they headed off out, while Scott went to Mitch's and Jessica stayed in bed. They stopped at the florists on the way. Walking through the door they were hit with the scent of beauty. Or as Toby liked to think of it, death. He hated florists. They reminded him of the smell of the day when Noah died. The scent of nature that filled the air when he fell off of that wall. He loved flowers though, especially the ones that reminded him of little memories that he had once forgotten.

Toby wandered to the side., his eyes falling on the multiple colours of different flowers that aligned the walls. "Can I help you?" He turned to see a woman talking to Alex. She was helping him pick out a bunch but Toby had already chosen. He picked up the small, velvety bunch of blue and white flowers and turned to his dad.

"These ones." He said. Alex turned around at the sound of his voice. "These are the ones we are getting. His favourite colour was blue." Toby repeated. Alex took the flowers out of his hands and inspected them before smiling and looking up again.

"Sure, kiddo." Alex answered. He placed the bunch down on the counter and the woman began to scan them.

When they reached the graveyard Toby immediately opened the car door and began to walk ahead. Alex sighed, watching his back retreat along the path as he dragged his feet along the gravel. His shoulders slumped forward. His body smaller than usual. He saw the defeat and the hurt. The same as it had been four years ago.

Alex only then got out of the car, following Toby. He kept his eyes on him though, noticing how he came to a stop and gently fell to his knees in front of a grave stone. Alex finally caught up with him and came to a stop by his side.

A silence hung in the air. The only sounds coming from that of the trees moving in the wind and the birds singing in the trees. The silence lingered over them like a bad smell. Although comfortable, there was a sense of tension hung there too.

Toby was sick of it. He was sick of the way he felt every day. How he lacked all of his energy. How his head screamed at him constantly. How his lack of self esteem had started to bother him. Everything hurt. Physically, mentally, emotionally and he had no one to turn to. No one. He was completely and utterly alone and he hated it. He hated it. He hated himself. He hated his life. He wished, so much, that he could just finish it all. And yet he didn't want to at the same time. He didn't want to admit defeat. Defeat was not an option.

"Does it still hurt you?" Toby asked, finally breaking the silence. Alex was caught off guard by his question. He placed his hand on Toby's shoulder and breathed in sharply. The question floated around his head and settled on his lips in answer form.

"Everyday, not as much as it used to but, yeah it does." The words, although a whisper, were loud and clear to Toby.

"He's fading, in my memory. I can't hear his laugh anymore." Toby whispered. "And his singing voice sounds different. Like it doesn't really belong to him anymore. The memories from when we were little are cloudy because I didn't really hang on to them enough. That's what hurts."

"If you think hard enough the memories will be there. You just have to search. You surely remember the day that we danced to Christmas music in the kitchen." Alex said. Toby looked up and shook his head. "Well it was July and you and Noah were six. And you were pestering us about not being able to wait for Christmas so we decided to put some music on for you. And you and Noah lost it. Y'all were racing around the kitchen in circles and singing at the top of your voices! Before long Scott had joined in and so had I and we were all dancing around the kitchen together and Jessica appeared and she joined in too. It was like a big party in the kitchen, dancing to Christmas music." Alex chuckled a little at the memory.

"Sounds fun." Toby whispered, turning back to the gravestone. He wiped a couple of stray tears off of his face and took a deep breath.

Alex slowly bent down and pulled Toby into a hug and suddenly Toby let himself go. He let himself cry in his dad's chest. "It's okay. Let it out." Alex whispered, holding him tightly. His tears came in waves and he felt ashamed. Ashamed for being weak but the truth was he couldn't hold it in any longer. He cried and cried. He sniffled letting it all out. Alex thought he was crying because of his brother but the underlying truth was that Toby was crying because he was empty. He was nothing. And he felt like giving up. Letting go. Ending everything.