My Saving Grace (Book 3)

February 26, 2030

"I'm home!" Scott called out from the door as he dropped his bags by his feet. He had never heard such a rush of footsteps around the house. Two doors slammed as the kids sprinted down the stairs. Alex appeared in the kitchen doorway and suddenly the kids were in Scott's arms. He had never felt such a welcome from the two of them. It was like they were little again, God he missed that!

"Dad, I missed you." Jessica said, hugging him tightly. Scott smiled squeezing her a little. She smiled up at him and stepped back.

"I missed you too, kiddo." Scott said, softly as Toby stepped into his embrace. He held onto Toby tightly. Toby was glad to see his dad, the questions had been piling up in his brain for the last week and he kept reciting the conversation that Scott and Alex had had in his head. It had kept him pretty occupied if he was to be totally honest.

"How's school?" Scott asked as Toby stepped back away from him. Toby thought for a second, contemplating telling the truth for once but thought it rude and unfair to pour something so heavy onto Scott's shoulders the minute he got in the door. He also thought it to be stupid. They wouldn't care, he thought.

"It's alright." Both kids said at the same time, turning and laughing at each other. Scott smiled as his gaze flitted up to where Alex still stood in the kitchen doorway. Alex's face softened, his shoulders slumped and his breath hitched. Scott felt his throat tighten and his stomach begin to dance. It was almost like magic the feelings that they both still got every time they looked at each other.

"Are you just gonna stand there or..." Scott cocked an eyebrow and smirked at Alex who had to shake his head to snap himself out of his thoughts. They both walked forward and slowly wrapped their arms around each other.

"I missed you, Scotty." Alex whispered. Scott felt himself melt at the sound of Alex's voice, there was something so different about hearing it in person after hearing him through technology for four weeks. He squeezed Alex tightly and breathed in his scent.

"I missed you too." Scott whispered after a while. In the moment he thought how it didn't get any easier, no matter how old they got, no matter how long they had been together. It just never got easier.

The slowly left each other's grasp and the day began. Scott threw his bags into their room and realised that he probably wouldn't be unpacking them for a couple of weeks, when Alex would yell at him for being messy.

...

It wasn't until the next day, a Saturday, that Toby finally plucked up the courage to explore his curiosity. It was early and since he didn't sleep at all the night before he decided that going downstairs to see who was up would be the best thing. He stepped out into the kitchen, where Scott was shovelling cereal into his mouth, keys poised in one hand, phone shoved in his front pocket. Suddenly Toby's hope left. Scott was off out. He could tell.

"Hey, kiddo." Scott said, holding his hand in front of his mouth to cover up his mouthful of food. "You're up early." He added.

Toby rubbed his eyes. He wanted to be able to tell him that he hadn't slept at all last night but didn't want to be a burden so dropped it. "Are you going out?" He asked.

"Yeah, I have to run a couple of errands and then pick up Jake for the day. I should only be gone an hour or so." Scott explained, placing his now empty bowl in the sink. Toby's eyes widened.

"Jake?" He asked.

"Yeah, Mitch has a doctors appointment so I said I'd mind Jake while he and Seb did that. Is that alright?" Scott asked.

"Oh yeah, that's fine. Can I come along?" Toby asked and Scott nodded. They headed off out the door and into the car. Before long they were driving along the coast, past Venice Beach and heading inland to Beverly Hills. The windows were rolled down and the music was blaring but Scott couldn't help but to feel the silence in the car. He stole a couple of glances over at Toby. His eyes were fixated on the passing scenery. Scott couldn't take it anymore.

He finally reached over and turned down the music, Toby's head snapping around. "What's on your mind?" Scott asked. Toby frowned. How should he phrase the question without being caught for listening in on their conversation the other day?

He decided that blurting out the words that sort of made sense in his brain would be the best idea. "How did you get the scars on your wrists?" The words sort of stringed together but Scott could make out exactly what he had said. He was caught off guard by his sons sudden belt of curiosity which he hadn't seen in what felt like years but in truth was probably only a few months.

"What makes you ask that?" Scott asked, calmly. He would tell him but he just wanted to know what had brought such a question up in Toby's mind. He couldn't think of a time before that the question had been asked by son. He had never taken interest in such a thing before.

"It's just- I've never really noticed them before but now... I see them and just wonder you know?" Toby stammered. He also wanted to know why he had said he had had a panic attack and why Alex knew exactly what to do like it happened before, but he decided those would give him away.

"Um... Well... Do you know what- what depression is?" Scott asked. Toby nodded slowly. He had heard about it being some kind of sadness that you couldn't control. He didn't entirely understand it but who would? He had never really needed to know what it was before so he never bothered looking it up, "Yeah, well, I had that."

Toby's eyes widened. "What happened to you?" He asked. Scott smiled a little at Toby's second question. This was the first time in months that he had got a piece of his little boy back. The kid that was curious about everything and anything and wasn't afraid to ask questions no matter how controversial they sounded.

"I became very... I don't know... detached? Yeah. I couldn't control the thoughts that went in and out of my brain and in turn this caused me to panic all the time. This generated an anxiety disorder. I would have panic attacks very often where my whole brain would shut off. I'd want to get out but my body wouldn't let me. It was like being physically trapped by yourself." Scott explained, pausing then for breath. Toby was listening intently and had never related to something this much in his entire life.

"Anyway, um- it got to the point where I just couldn't really go on and I decided that ending my life would be a quick way out. Which in no way was a good choice. But Mitch he walked in and stopped me and took me to the hospital where they gave me happy pills and then sent me home. In all the time after that we won The Sing Off, toured, made albums and I met your father." Scott stopped again.

"We started dating and even though I loved him to the moon and back I still had these thoughts. I still blocked out everything and I couldn't understand why. They told me that once I found someone that made me that happy it would all stop, but it didn't. Anyway, in the end after constant self harming and being in denial, I tried to end my life again. This time your dad stopped me and that was the first ever time that he told me he loved me.... After that I went to therapy and tried to get better and the rest is history." Scott finished. Toby stared at him, astonished that such a thing would have happened to his dad. He couldn't imagine this strong man that he looked up to ever feeling that kind of mental pain.

"Wow." He whispered, trying to take all of this new information in. They sat in silence for a moment. Toby was ready to tell his dad. He wanted all of the things that had been happening to end. He didn't want to go on like this. He knew that the best thing to do was to speak and so he opened his mouth. "Dad?" Toby asked, but the car had stopped and he realised they were in Mitch's driveway. Scott began to get out of the car. Obviously he hadn't heard Toby's whisper.

"I'm just going in to get Jake. You can come in if you want?" He asked. Toby shook his head and watched as his dad disappeared into the house, hugging his best friend before the door was closed.

Toby began to understand now, why they were so close, why that in their house "I love you" seemed to be an over used phrase, why fine wasn't said at all. He wanted to tell his dad now because he knew that he'd understand but he had just missed his chance. He would keep it a secret for just a little longer....