My Saving Grace (Book 3)

February 13, 2030

Toby lay on his bed, his eyes fixated on the ceiling. His body was straight, his fists clenched by his sides. Breath after breath filled his lungs but he felt as though he couldn't breathe. He felt like he was being suffocated. His ears were ringing and his eyes strained in and out of focus.

Toby, Toby!
Razor sharp
Cut quick
End the pain
Silence the voices
All in your hands
Quiet
Quick
Over

His head chanted like a ritual, over and over. The words swelled in his brain. They became louder, faster, stronger. More convincing.

Itching
Scratching
Addiction
Fast
Quick
Quiet
Over

He felt like slamming his fists against the wall. His clenched his hands. He curled his toes. It wasn't enough. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop this weird urge that scratched in the back of his brain. He couldn't silence the voices in his head. He couldn't.

He listened for a second. His father was probably down stairs, seemingly talking to someone. Probably his other father who was still away. His sister, he didn't worry about. She wouldn't care. She stayed in her room most of the time anyway. Talking to that stupid boyfriend of hers, he thought. He wasn't stupid, he knew exactly what she was doing. Pulling the wool over both f their dad's eyes.

Fat
Stupid
Idiot
Loner
Ugly
Give up, Toby
Give up!

His feet moved for him. Step. Step. Step. Step. Door pushed. Door closed. Door locked. Step. Step. Hands fumble. Sleeves pulled. Razor sharp. Quick pain. Dull ache. Blood. Drip. Drop. Another quick pain. Another dull ache. More blood. Drip. Drop.

A clatter followed as the razor slipped from his hand and he stumbled backwards. Back coming in contact with the door. He slid downwards. His knees curled up. His head rested against his knees. His arms lay by his sides.

He would clean up when he was ready.

Suddenly, severe pain. Mental pain. Screaming thoughts. Scratching. Itching. And yet he had just fed it. He couldn't go anymore. He just couldn't.

His hands moved up to his head and roughly tugged on his hair. Tears sprung to his eyes and he sniffed them back. He couldn't cry. He wouldn't cry.

Weak
Vulnerable
Lazy
Boring
Stupid
Loner

His heart was racing. His hands were shaking. His body wanted to give up. He could feel a couple of bruises on his legs but really couldn't tell whether they were from the bullies that tormented him everyday or from himself when he beat himself up in his sleep. His nightmares that consumed him. That ate him up. Screamed at him and scared him and made him feel.... nothing.

He stood up. Walked forward and ran the tap. The water swirled around into the drain and he shoved his arms under the running water. The water turned bright red. It stung for a second and then subsided. He let the water run until the sink was clean. He pulled his sleeves down and unlocked the door.

He walked out head down and very suddenly came in contact with a body. He shook his head and looked up. "Sorry." He mumbled, his eyes focusing and Jessica came into view. She frowned at him suspiciously.

"What were you doing in there?" She asked. Her voice was soft and concerned.

"Peeing, what do you think?" He rolled his eyes. Jessica's face changed and she scowled at him.

"I heard you go in there ten minutes ago. You were in there way too long to pee! Also you didn't flush so..." She said matter of factly.

Toby rolled his eyes and stepped out of her way. "Whatever you say." He said, getting away before he got caught.