A Letter to the Ones I've Loved (Bully Luke Hemmings)

Entry 12

They say that you can always trust your gut. But what do you do when you can't even trust that anymore? I feel like I'm in a constant state of panic, unsure of when my mind is being unreasonable and when it's trying to help me because both feel the same to me. My OCD has been flaring up lately. Leaving a room is horrible because I have to unmake and remake my bed at least three times, if I'm having a good day, and then check under everything: beds, furniture, and behind the shower curtain. And finally, when I leave and I'm almost out of the room, I have to touch the light switch 30 times. Not even turn it on and off. Just touch it. Which makes everyone who passes by me think I'm a freak. And the panic I feel as I do these compulsive things is in me even hours after I've done them. Luke hasn't visited me again. No one has. They all probably think I'm insane. And I actually feel like I am. I'm not sure what's happening though, I've been taking my pills everyday. Those white pills have proved to be pretty useless. My mood swings are insane. Right now I feel pretty indifferent. But yesterday, when no one came to see me, I actually felt depressed. 

"Allie Callie Frallie, I missed you so much." Richard comes through the door and sits next to my bed. I stay silent, unsure of whether I can trust him yet or not. The other day I was sure I could, but today, I don't know. 

"Don't call me that." I hated that nickname. It confused me. Richard confused me.

"What's wrong babe?" Richard tries to look me in the eyes but I keep looking away.

"You said you forgave me. Maybe you should try acting like it." Richard sounds like he's getting mad.

"You're right." Richard smirks, seemingly glad that I am agreeing with him.

"I'm always right." I try my hardest not to scoff at that.

"Ready to go to school?" I shake my head. I don't wanna face Luke and his hurtful words.

"Yea, school sucks. You gotta go though. I promised your mom I'd take you." I twist my face up.

"You talked to my mom?" I can't decide if that's cute or stalkerish. Cute. Definitely cute. I smile at Richard.

"Yea. Not to toot my own horn or anything but pretty sure she loves me." I giggle at his words. I put my arm out for him to grab and help me get out of my bed. 

"Let's go." I mutter.

As we leave the hospital I grab Richard's hand. Leaving this place is always scary. As I stand outside of the hospital I stop for a second and look at Richard as we face the building.

"Beautiful isn't it." I tell Richard.

"Sorta bland." I frown. I thought the hospital was enchanting. Everyone in there is fighting a battle that most of them are gonna lose but isn't it beautiful that they fight anyway. I think so.

"Yea, I guess." Although it isn't bland at all. It's the most beautifully complex place I've ever been. We walk to Richard's car and I let go of his hand, no longer needing the comfort.

"Can you drive?" Richard asks me.

"Why?" I ask.

"Just don't feel like driving." I shrug my shoulders in response.

"Can't, sorry. I can't drive anything with these new meds." Richard looks angry and I knit my eyebrows together, confused as to what I could've said that made him angry.

"Drive the freaking car!" Richard shouts and I jump.

"But I can't.. I could kill us." And with that, Richard pushes me in the driver's seat roughly, making the side of my body he pushed pulse with pain. Fear sends a shiver through my body.