A Letter to the Ones I've Loved (Bully Luke Hemmings)

Entry 19

They say that every human wants happiness. That everything we want is because we think it will make us happy. Popularity? You only want that because you think it will make you happy. Money? Nope, you don't want to be rich, you want to be happy. Apparently everyone thinks money leads to happiness. Well I call bullshit. I don't want to be happy. In fact, the sadness inside of me has made me feel more alive than any happiness I've ever felt. I've come to think that happiness is so fleeting that maybe it isn't even worth fighting for. Maybe those rare moments where we feel so happy it almost feels like a dream are useless. Those rare moments just make that type of happiness even harder to achieve again. So we're stuck with a memory. A shadow of the happiness we once were. As I get older, it's become more apparent that each moment could be my last. I could leave this world still grieving the loss of my family. Which would suck. Or I could leave in the middle of the happiest moment of my life. Which would also suck. Because how am I supposed to leave everyone if I'm still happy and in love with my life. I think it'll be easier to die if I don't have any friends. After all, when you really think about it, those who leave the world alone, leave no scar. Which most people think is sad because apparently every person wants to leave a scar on the world. I'm gonna call bullshit again. I want to leave the world exactly how I came in. Free.

"How was your first night here?" Dr. Pearle asks me.

"Just shy of hell." I respond. I couldn't sleep at all, mainly because I was trying to swallow the new reality of loneliness. 

"Why?" Dr. Pearle squints her eyes at me and tilts her head.

"I want to go home." I respond.

"Good. Take your pills then." Dr. Pearle hands me a small paper cup the size of a shot glass, full of pills.

"I don't want to." I wanted to experience grief in my rawest state. If that makes it harder to move on, so be it.

"Why not?" She asks.

"Because I don't want to." I respond. None of this was any of her business. I just want to see my friends.

"There are children dying and you want to sit here in self pity. Is that what you're saying?" I contort my face, feeling appalled. I laugh at her question.

"What's so funny?" She asks.

"I'm dying. I'm a 'child'. I'm literally one of those dying children. So I'm sorry if I don't feel any pity for anyone else in a similar situation as me." My expression goes flat.

"So you want my pity?" Dr. Pearle leans forward.

"I want my mom to be with me right now!" Tears threaten my eyes. "I want to go eat frozen yogurt with my sister! And I want to see my friends. I want to see Luke. And Ashton. I want to go home." I say, my voice catching on my last few words.

"Where is home?" Dr. Pearle crosses one leg over the other. I stare at the snow falling outside of my room and contemplate an answer.

"I don't know." I respond. Because I don't. Home was wherever my mom and sister were. Where was my home now that they are gone?

"Your friends wanted to come. I shouldn't say this but they're waiting outside. They're here for you. No visitors are allowed for 48 hours after admission though so you'll have to wait to see them." I shrug my shoulders.

"I don't want to see them." I cross my arms over my chest.

"Why don't you want to be happy?" Dr. Pearle turns over a new page in her notepad.

"Happiness is overrated." I say flatly.

"So you'd rather be sad?" I nod my head.

"It's easier to die when you have nothing to leave behind." Dr. Pearle gets up and leaves without saying a word. A few minutes later there is a knock on my door.

"Come in." I say as I put on a sweater over my hospital gown. The door opens and I look over to see Luke, Ashton, Michael, and Calum. My eyes go wide when I see them. Luke frowns at me.

"ALLIE!!!!" Michael comes running over to me and hugs me tightly. I try and hug back as tight as he hugged me but my strength doesn't compare to his. 

"Hey Mikey." He sits down on the couch. I lock eyes with Luke who still looks sad. I tilt my head, still holding eye contact with him. He begins to walk closer to me and then wraps me in a hug that I didn't know I needed. He grabs my hair and I stand on my tippy toes so I can rest my head on his chest.

"Don't you ever fucking scare me like that again." He whispers in my ear. I wrap my arms around him tighter as a tear rolls down my face and then on his shirt. We pull away at the same time and I hug Ashton and Cal next. After the hugs are done, an awkward silence fills the room. I feel as if they don't know what to say to me. 

"I'm sorry, Al." Luke says. I look at his eyes and am overcome with sadness.

"I wanna go home." I try and laugh to lighten the mood but it sounds forced. Luke frowns.

"We wanted to kidnap you like we did in the hospital but the security here is tough as shit." Calum says. I smile at him. A nurse walks in with another paper cup full of meds.

"Take these." I shake my head no. The nurse sighs, probably done with me being so difficult.

"We can't let you go until you take these." She sighs.

"I know." The nurse puts the cup on a table next to my bed and leaves. Luke walks over to me.

"Why won't you take them?" I look in his eyes, contemplating whether or not I should tell the truth. 

"If I take them and get to go home, I have nothing to go home to." Luke looks at the ground.

"I don't want to plan a funeral." My voice cracks. "I can't plan a funeral. I think I can just skip over the grief. Right? I can just ignore it, right?" Luke runs a hand through my hair.

"Bullshit." He whispers. I take a step back, confused.

"Allie, that is complete shit and you and I both know it. Get angry. Cry. Do something. But I swear, Allie, I'm not gonna let you avoid grief. You're gonna face this fucker head on and it's gonna hurt like a bitch but I'll be right here whenever you need me." I look at the ground with tears in my eyes.

"I'm not taking my pills." I say.

"Who needs mental health anyways." We smile at each other and then return to the rest of the group. 

"What song would you want to be played at your funeral?" Eliza asks me.

"One song? Heck no I need a whole playlist." Eliza laughs.

"I want you to sing at mine." I frown.

"I won't be alive for yours. And I can't sing."

"Maybe not. But just in case, play piano for me or something, okay?" I nod my head slowly.

"You're not gonna die before me though." Eliza frowns.

Author's Note:

IM SO TIRED IM SORRY IF THIS IS TERRIBLE I NEED LIKE 50 HOURS OF SLEEP. thank you for reading though GOOD STUFF COMING UP and if I get snow days cuz of this blizzard I'll be updating more so stay alert STAY SAFE IN THE COLD AND SNOW GUYS (if it's even snowing where you are lol)