I've always thought of my OCD as something small. As if I can control it if I really want to. But as I stand in my living room as everyone else is fast asleep, I find this thought to be painfully untrue. After Luke and Christine came, we all watched a movie and I waited for everyone to fall asleep until I would be able to do my normal bedtime routine so I can sleep like everyone else seemed to do effortlessly. It's sort of sad, I guess. That I don't feel like my friends will accept me if they know everything I have to do. I quickly check my surroundings, and gather that everyone is fast asleep. I get up from the pile of blankets I'm under and turn on the lights in the kitchen, grab a glass, and then fill it with four ice cubes and water which takes up half of the cup. I drink the water, even though I'm not thirsty, and grab another glass. I do this two more times. Afterwards, my stomach feels bloated, the sound of water in it prevalent. I put the cup in the dishwasher and turn off the lights, touching the switch thirteen times. As I walk up the stairs to continue my routine, I am struck with a sense of panic that seems to always be living subtly in me.
"I don't want to!" I scream at myself. I just want to sleep without the burden of this complex routine. I could just sit here on the stairs until I fall asleep but I know that if I wake up for even a second during the night, I'll have to start my routine all over again. I begin pulling at my clothes, feeling disgusted and unwilling to do everything my brain is saying I have to do.
"No!" I yell at myself although I'm now walking up the stairs into my bedroom, hating myself for giving in. I face my closet door, not wanting to open it and close it four times. I'm scared now, as I'm unsure of what lies behind my closet door. I know my closet is empty. I keep it that way on purpose. But every night I open my closet door full of fear. It's stupid and childish and I hate it. I'm crying now because I'm so scared. I try and talk myself down.
"I won't do it! " I scream at my closet door. I fall to the ground and hold in my sobs, making sure no one will hear me.
"Allie?" I feel strong arms wrap around me. The same arms that held me in the therapy bathroom that day, except now one arm is covered in a hard cast.
"I don't want to do it." I sob into Luke's white shirt.
"Do what?" I pull myself closer to Luke, feeling vulnerable and still scared.
"I-it's st-stupid." I stutter, trying to calm myself down.
"No it isn't. You can tell me, Al." I face my closet.
"Your closet?" I nod my head, wiping the tears from my face. Luke opens the door and I flinch.
"Nothing's there, Allie." Luke gives me an sympathetic smile. I try and laugh at myself but it sounds more like a sob. It was a fake laugh anyway because I was genuinely, stupidly, scared.
"Why are you awake?" I ask Luke as my breathing begins evening out.
"Can't sleep with the lights off." I smile at him. I'm glad he has weird quirks too. It makes me feel less alone.
"I'll never be able to fall asleep." I sigh, although I was used to this. I love sleep, it just betrays me so often.
"How 'bout I teach you more guitar chords?" I nod my head. Luke begins to leave the room and the fear and panic begin to build up inside me again. Before he leaves, he turns back to me.
"I'll be right back. Don't worry." I smile, feeling a little better.
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"Won't we wake everyone up?" I ask as I stare at the electric guitar Luke just brought up to my room.
"Not without an amp." I give him an unconvinced look and he strums the strings. Surprisingly, it isn't loud at all.
"Sounds sorta bad without the amp." Luke smiles.
"Shut up." He walks over to my bed and sits down. He pats the spot next to him and I sit where his hand once was.
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"Wakey wakey bacon and eggs which you likey, Mikey." I give Luke a look full of judgement when he whispers this in Michael's ear.
"Luke, I told you normal friends don't wake each other up whispering poems in their ears." Luke frowns.
"But I made you food." I scoff, Luke looks back smirking.
"Ok, Allie made you food." Michael wipes his eyes and gets up from the couch.
"WHAT THE HELL!" I scream, covering my eyes.
"Allie, I'm wearing boxers, it's fine." I lower my hands slowly and laugh. Luke is cracking up.
"Why the fuck are you guys being so loud." I laugh at Ashton, who is cuddling a pillow.
"Ok, someone's not a morning person. Also, we have a swear jar, so."
"Fuck that. I heard you say the H word earlier and you didn't do anything about it." Ash is now sitting on a bench next to my kitchen counter.
"So you'll say the F word but not hell?" Ashton rolls his eyes.
"Pass me the food." I giggle, Ashton is the worst morning person I've ever met.
"You should probably wake up your girlfriend before Michael eats all the bacon." I tell Luke. His expression goes flat and he walks over to Christine. He taps her on the shoulder and she grabs his shirt and pulls him into a heated kiss. I look away quickly as Calum enters the kitchen.
"M left early for work. Luke and Christine are gross. What's for breakfast?"
"Good morning to you too?" Calum rubs his eyes and grabs a plate.
"Yea. Where'd the bacon go." I look down at the empty plate and frown.
"Take it up with Michael." I put the now empty plate in the sink as my phone vibrates. I walk into the other room.
"Hello?" I say to my phone.
"Allie! Allie!" I sense a tone of panic.
"Eliza? Is something wrong?" My hands begin shaking. I hear crying on the other end of the phone and rustling.
"Is this the daughter of Trish?" Tears are now filling my eyes. Ashton is standing in the doorway, looking wide awake now and worried.
"Y-yes. Who is this?" I hear police sirens on the other end of the phone and a few men mumbling to each other.
"Your mother and sister were just in an accident. We're taking them to St. John's."
"A-re they-" But before I can finish my sentence the line goes dead. Ashton walks over to me looking scared as I'm sure my face is full of fear also. Luke walks into the room.
"Allie, you gotta see this." I walk into the room Luke is in and look at the TV with horror.
"W-what?" And with that I collapse on the floor in a fit of sobs. I hear a mix of voices around me but I can't distinguish any words as all I can hear is Eliza calling out my name. I can hear the fear in her voice and it plays in my mind on an endless loop. I feel arms carry me into a car but I can't tell who they belong to. My eyes are open without any tears clouding my vision but it's as if fear has taken over my vision. And all I can see is a slideshow of my worst fears coming alive.
Author's Note:
yea you should be confused. IT'LL BE OK GUYS. i literally did like 3 videos from that youtube workout channel fitness blender and I feel dead (I was gonna make a really morbid joke there relating to this story then i was like hm better not) might update again tomorrow night. if you liked this chapter it'd be cool if you voted :) THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING
P.S. I meant to post this like an hour ago but I still needed to proof read and then I ended up watching a movie but HERE IT IS FINALLY thanks for being patient
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