A Letter to the Ones I've Loved (Bully Luke Hemmings)

Entry 18

I often wonder what true freedom feels like. How it would feel to be a bird. My only job to survive. To chirp in the mornings and fly as high as I wanted. To fly. The ultimate freedom. What would it be like to get lost in the clouds, completely in control of where I go next.

"Why were you standing on that ledge Allie?" Dr. Pearle's voice pulls me away from my thoughts.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." The doctor touches my arm.

"I wanted a taste of freedom." 

"We'll give your mom two weeks but even if she wakes up, she'll be paralyzed from the neck down and almost completely brain dead." 

"What do you think freedom is?" I turn from the wall I was staring at to make contact with Dr. Pearle.

"Death." I respond.

I run up the stairs to the roof of the hospital. What is freedom? I keep asking myself this question as I get closer and closer to the edge.

"Why is death freedom?"

Freedom. To be completely free. My mom is practically a vegetable. My sister is dead. I take a few more steps closer to the ledge. Freedom is being without loss. 

"When you die you have nothing left to lose." Dr. Pearle nods her head.

"So you're afraid of losing someone?" I look back at the wall I was staring at moments before.

"Not anymore." My expression goes flat.

What would it be like to fly? I am now standing on the ledge. I take in a sharp breath of the cold winter air. It burns my lungs, making me feel more alive. I lift one leg off the ledge and kick it around, almost taunting myself. 'You won't do it.' My brain is telling me. I smirk and put both my legs back safely on the ledge. I attempt my first ever handstand on this very ledge. I laugh, the new found sense of freedom making my body feel exhilarated. My arms go weak and I collapse back on the ledge, sad that the feeling of freedom left me as soon as it came.

"Are you happy you didn't die?" I look at Dr. Pearle's eyes again.

"No." 

I search my brain for more things I can do to win this feeling of freedom back. I smile at myself as I come up with an idea. Jump. I laugh and stretch my legs and arms quickly. I inhale the crisp air once again. I lift up one leg.

"Are you taking your pills?"

"No."

"Why not?" Dr. Pearle's voice sounds lifeless.

"I want to feel free."

I dangle my leg over the edge again, laughing, wanting to drag on this moment of freedom for as long as I can before it ends. I prepare my body to jump. The smile on my face is one of a crazy person. But not because I'm crazy, because I'm free. I bend my knees. "Allie!" I feel arms wrap around my waist and pull me away from the ledge. "NO!" I scream. "LET ME GO!" I kick the air around me until I weaken the person holding me back. I run back to the ledge but am pulled back once again. "Allie!" I turn around and see Luke. My eyes meet his and my heart fills with sadness. I put one foot over the edge again, but not to feel freedom, to get rid of this sadness. 

"Does that mean you want to die?" Dr. Pearle squints at me. 

"Yes."

"Allie! You don't have to do this. You can get through this. I'll help you. I know it's hard right now. I can help you." His voice sounds full of panic.