A Letter to the Ones I've Loved (Bully Luke Hemmings)

Entry 22

I remember when I was about five years old, I woke up and thought that I had forgotten how to smile. I kept telling myself that my smile wasn't as happy and wide as usual. No matter how much I smiled at myself in the mirror, I couldn't seem to get my old smile back. It was strange because nothing had changed except that the day before I had a teeth-y smile and now my smile had gone flat. And it drove me insane because I feared being called naive so bad that I wouldn't even confront my mom about my predicament. I simply just practiced different smiles in the mirror, more disappointed at each failed attempt than the last. So naturally, I tried to push my smile problem out of my head until I walked downstairs with a frown and saw my mom had just gotten back from the grocery store.

"Why so grim, Al?" My mom said breathlessly as she was trying to carry too many bags of groceries.

"I'm not grim." I say defensively with my arms crossed over my chest. My mom sets down all of the groceries and crouches down so she can talk to me at my eye level. 

"Let me see those pretty pearls!" She says with a smile on her face. I shake my head. 

"Why not?" She tilts her head. "Are you feeling okay?" Then she puts a hand against my forehead.

"I forgot how to smile." I say flatly, worried that my mom will laugh at me.

"Aw, sweetie. You'll learn again soon. When I think my smile is gone do you know what I do?" I shake my head. I have no idea.

"I bake chocolate chip cookies."

"You hate cookies." I respond.

"Eh, maybe. But seeing you come down the stairs with a smile when you smell them baking? That helps me to smile again."

"Allie, I think we're supposed to walk in now. You'll see us in there, just walk to where we are." Ashton's voice pulls me away from my thoughts and I nod my head even though I only heard half of what he said. My stomach feels like I just ate a whole cake and then ran a mile. I pace around in front of the doors, taking deep breaths. 

"You can do this. You just gotta sit there for an hour and tell people you're okay to make them feel better. It's easy. Just gotta fake a smile." I whisper to myself. After my pep talk, I open the doors and walk in the church, holding my sister's ashes. I try and avoid eye contact with the jar but I accidentally look at it and am struck with a sickening feeling. I walk to the front of the church and set the jar of ashes down on a little table with a few of Allie's things which someone must have searched my house for because I certainly didn't bring them. If it was up to me, I definitely wouldn't have picked her favorite shirt. She would have liked all her birthday cards from mom to be on that table. Eliza loved birthday cards. The priest gives me a hug and I take my seat next to Luke, feeling shaky and nauseous.

"Before we start this celebration of a life that ended too soon, I'd like to welcome up one of Elizabeth's close friends to deliver us a eulogy." Aubrey, Eliza's best friend, gets up from a few rows behind me. I continue to stare at the cross hanging up on the wall in front of me. A voice pulls my eyes away from the giant figure and I make eye contact with Aubrey, shocked that she stopped near me before going up to the podium.

"Elizabeth left this jacket at my house a few nights ago. It felt wrong to keep it." She whispers and hands me the jacket. Upon closer inspection, I discover that this is my own jacket and Eliza most likely borrowed it without asking. I smile and put the jacket on. It smells like her mango perfume. 

"Elizabeth and I met in second grade when she told me that I was doing my art project 'all wrong' and then proceeded to show me hers as a model." Everyone laughs, but I find the story to be boring. I take a moment to look at the crowd around me and see many familiar faces, including my aunt and uncle, who I haven't seen in at least 10 years since my mom and aunt had a big argument. Aubrey continues on.

"A lot of people never knew how much of a know-it-all she was." She fakes a laugh, once again amusing everyone but me.

"But she-she" And then, not even two minutes into her eulogy, Aubrey breaks into a fit of crying. Ugly crying. And I start laughing because this whole situation is hilarious and Aubrey is such an ugly crier. It's not a happy laugh though, it's a suffocating one and because I can't actually laugh out loud without people thinking I'm a psychopath, I slouch on the bench and shake as I try to hold in my laughter. Ashton, Calum, Michael, and Luke all turn to face me with looks of worry, because it probably looks like I'm sobbing. After a few moments of Aubrey still ugly crying I can't help it but to actually laugh out loud. And before I know it, I burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Michael begins to laugh with me and then the rest of the boys do too. Luke smiles and pulls me in for a hug. But when I make eye contact with him during the hug my suffocating laughter comes to a complete stop and I experience one of those moments where happiness comes so close to sadness that it's almost impossible to tell the difference. Because the second I stop laughing, a sob escapes my throat and I bury my face in Luke's shirt as tears fall down my face. Luke hugs me closer to him but I feel so sad. And what's worse is that I can feel everyone looking at me and I'm embarrassed but I can't stop the tears. The feeling is one that closely resembles stubbing your toe. But the pain doesn't subside after a few moments, and the only thing I can do is cry. Aubrey gains some composure but her voice is still shaky when she continues on.

"The rest of my eulogy is horrible and Elizabeth would've hated it. But there's one thing-" She pauses again, trying not to cry and I look up at Luke who puts an arm around me.

"There's one thing that she would've loved. Elizabeth's favorite quote read 'There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind'." She pauses again to gain composure.

"She loved that quote. And-um- I just really hope that's true. I hope Elizabeth has better things ahead of her than anything she could've done here. Because she was just a-uh- really good person." Aubrey sniffles and leaves the podium to sit back in her seat. When she passes me I can see tears in her eyes and I grab her arm. Afraid that if I talk  I'll begin crying, I give her a smile and she smiles back and then returns to her row.  

"Thank you Aubrey. Now, if I'm not mistaking, I believe Allie has something to share with us." The priest gestures toward me and my eyes go wide. I look up at Luke who winks at me. 

"What am I supposed to do?" I ask Luke whose eyes drift towards a piano. I look at the piano then back at him and then stand up and walk over to the piano.

"Um. I'm Eliza's sister. I was gonna play a Taylor Swift song but El was never really a fan." I smile as everyone else lets out a light laugh.

"So I think I'll just play an Ed Sheeran song, 'cause- uh- she likes, um, liked  him." I frown at my mistake and play the first notes of 'Photograph' then stop. Should I sing? Could I even get through the whole song without crying? I play the first notes again and decide that Eliza would've liked me to sing, so I do. But after a  minute, my voice is too shaky and there are tears in my eyes so I have to stop singing. To my surprise, Luke carries on the song and the rest of the boys join him. I giggle to myself because this is all so cheesy, and when I look up at everyone else, they are smiling too. Eliza would've loved this. 

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"Pigs in a blanket were such a good idea, dude." Michael fist bumps Luke as he stuffs the food in his mouth. I laugh and get up when I see my aunt approaching me.

"Allie!" She feigns excitement and it disgusts me. I never knew what she and my mom got in such a big fight about, but knowing that my mom is extremely family-oriented, I know she would not have given up a relationship with her sister over something stupid.

"Hey Aunt Sharon." I say flatly.

"Smile, kiddo. It'll get better. When you come to live with Uncle Tony and me, you'll see." I take a step back.

"What?" I say, too dumbfounded to think of anything else.

"Yea, your mom left me as your legal guardian in case of emergency. Isn't this great, daughter?!" I take a seat in the nearest chair and try and calm my breathing.

Author's Note:

WOAH PLOT TWIST. the end is poorly written im sorry i just dont like aunt sharon v much and idk IM SORRY THE END STINKS anyways so a lot of this was inspired from my grandad's funeral :( hope you all had a good week. THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING. imma go catch up on 1crazy_fox 's stories PEACE OUT FOLKS