A Letter to the Ones I've Loved (Bully Luke Hemmings)

Entry 33

   I am awoken from my nap suddenly when I hear my window open. 

  "It's just us." I hear Calum and I rub my eyes and smile. 

  "I haven't told them anything yet." Luke says after he climbs through the window. I remain silent in the presence of Ashton. I gesture for Luke to come closer and write something on the notes in my phone.

  I don't think I'm ready to forgive him yet.

  "Oh." Luke looks back at Ashton. "What did he say to you anyways?" 

  "You know what! I don't even know why I'm fighting to stay! Luke is my best friend. Hell, the rest of us only talk to you 'cause of Luke anyways. You fucking went and had sex with Alex who is friends with Luke when you have to know, like it's obvious that-"

  I shrug my shoulders, unwilling to remember more of that conversation than necessary and unwilling to expose Ashton for what he said out of anger.

  "Wait," he whispers, "so you're not gonna talk?" I shake my head no. He runs his hands through his hair in defeat, visibly frustrated. "Dammit Allie!" He shouts, making me jump. "I just," his voice is lowered now as if he only means for me to hear but in the dead silence, his voice sounds like a shout. "I can't go through you not talking again. I can't fucking do it and I won't. What the fuck did Ashton say to you, huh?" I gulp, still unwilling to talk. "Fucking hell! Someone better fucking tell me what the hell Ashton said or I'm gonna lose my shit!" He yells again and I try to find a voice in me but can't. I make eye contact with Ashton but instantly regret it as he looks even angrier than Luke.

  "She's a fucking slut, Luke! All I told her is what I see in her and I was just being a good friend to you so chill the fuck out!" Ashton yells, matching Luke's volume.

  "Wh- what?" Luke's voice is laced with defeat. "Ash you're supposed to be the good one in the group. How the fuck could you say something like that? You were closest with her before any of us were so how the hell can you just change your opinion of her over something which- oh yea, plot twist: SHE HAD NO FUCKING CONTROL OVER. Alex drugged her so stop acting like a dick. I can't even believe you thought so little of her after one thing. We all thought you were the chill one. You're just a fucking asshole." And with that, Luke climbs through my window and into his room, slamming his window shut loudly. I'm left still laying in my bed, my hair undoubtedly a puffball aloof my head, with all three boys staring at me. I get up, embarrassed about my unbuttoned jeans which I can't fit into because of the medication making me bloat, and knock on Luke's window. He opens it after a few seconds, not even looking at me.

  "Can you- can you just fucking talk- please? This is so exhausting, Al. I just like talking to you and hearing you speak 'cause at least if you're talking I know what's going on with you." He sighs and I can feel him trying his best to cool down from his burst of anger. I sit next to him on the edge of his bed and rest my head on his shoulder.

  "I'm sorry." I say and Luke looks down at me with furrowed eyebrows and I remove my head from his shoulder so I can look into his eyes. "I'm just- Ashton was sorta right. I'm reckless, Luke. Everything I do, I don't think over for more than a millisecond. Maybe Ashton just sees the real me. I want to be the girl you like, Luke, I really fucking do but I'm so messed up. I- I don't even know who I am and all I do is cause you to be angry and I'm just making you as fucked up as me." I take a shaky breath. "I really like you."