I'm So Sorry

Chapter Eighteen

Sandra

I remember the first time I realized this group was toxic. I wanted to leave it because it was so bad, but Mason didn't want me to. Neither did Jessie. I think she was more upset that I almost left than Mason. But I don't know why.

I didn't get into the fall play at the beginning of the year, which may not sound like a big deal, but it was for me. Partially because Mason's going to be in Pennsylvania, but mostly because it's a good school, I'm going to West Chester in the fall to study music and minor in theater. So when I didn't get into the show, as a senior, it meant something.

People don't tend to bring their issues to the table in this group; usually they're left to simmer. But I needed to talk about it; I needed to get it off of my chest. So I brought it up at lunch one day.

"I didn't get into the fall play this year," I complained as soon as I sat down. "I'm so pissed."

"Why does it matter?" Makayla was the first to answer me. "Don't you always get a lead anyways every year?"

"This year was different," I had said.

"Why?" Ben looked up from his phone. "There's still the musical and the spring show. Face it, Sandra. You get a role every fucking time. There's bound to be times when you don't get shit."

I furrowed my brow. "Thanks so much for your support, Ben, really. It means the world to me."

"I'm just saying that you can't expect to always get a lead, okay? When you get to West Chester, that's where you're going, right? Do you think you're going to be front runner in all the productions there, especially as a freshman?"

Truth be told, I'd never thought of it that way. True, I was going to be a freshman. But I also knew that I was talented, and that I deserved to be there. I knew what I was doing.

"What my step-brother is trying to say," Jessie cut in. "Is that just because you didn't get a role doesn't mean you won't get another."

"But out of all the roles, I didn't get anything, Jess," I said, hoping that she if anything would understand my problems. "Like I didn't even get an extra role."

She shrugged, taking a bite of her salad. "And that sucks, I'm sorry. But maybe there's a reason for it."

I stared at the rest of the group. Was this really how they were going to treat me? They couldn't at least somewhat back me up, even a little? The most I had gotten out of them was a small sorry from Jessie, and no one else even bothers to acknowledge that this was happening? At all?

"Babe, you don't even have anything to say on this?" I asked Mason.

He looked up from his science notes. "Sorry what?" He looked lost, kind of confused as to what was going on. For someone who always had a shoulder for me to lean on, he was being kind of unhelpful.

"You know what sometimes life isn't fair, Sandra," Shannon finally spoke. I turned my focus towards her. She was looking at her laptop, not eating lunch once again for some reason. "You're going to have to get used to that. We're here for a reason. Doesn't mean that reason's a good one." She took her eyes off the computer. "Instead of complaining about it, try making the best of the situation. Now you don't have to deal with those snobby, annoying kids in the theater. You can hang with us more."

"But Jessie got a role," I pointed out, my tolerance for this conversation about to jump out the window next to me.

"It's not a big deal," she protested.