I'm So Sorry

Chapter Thirty-Six

Randy

"I don't want people sharing my secrets. I don't trust people anymore. That's why I know your secrets. To ensure they don't coincide with my own. I'm sorry."

The group says nothing.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for knowing your secrets, for trying to expose them. I'm sorry for being this way. But I just am."

"I understand," Sandra says, nodding. "I get what loving someone does to you, Randy. I get it drives you crazy."

I look at her for a second, trying to understand what she's saying.

Sandra

"I'm in love with you, Mason." I finally say aloud. Now everyone has heard the words, heard what I've been hiding this entire time. This is my truth that has been waiting to burst from my chest. "I've been trying to find the right time to tell you, to tell everyone here. But the entire night has just been full of...of hate and of pain and hurt. And I have listened to everyone telling their stories and I have just sat here asking myself if everyone else can admit what has been killing them, why can't I?"

I feel my heart pounding as I stare at Mason, who isn't speaking. He's just looking at me. He just looks at me and doesn't answer me. I don't even know if he's blinking.

"Mason...Mason I said I'm in love with you. Did you hear me?"

"Yes." His voice comes out quietly, very unsure. "I heard you."

He is just staring at me. He hasn't stopped doing that. What is he thinking, why is this happening right now? Why does it seem like something is incredibly wrong in this moment?

"Sandra...maybe this isn't the right time for this," Jessie says calmly.

I look over at her, confused and hurt. "No." I'm shaking my head as I take my attention from Jessie to Mason to the rest of the group. "No, this is my secret. This is the only thing I kept from you guys."

"That's not true," Randy says. "Why are you lying?"

What is he talking about? "I'm not lying, I'm not! No, I'm not lying to any of you!"

Shannon puts her hand on my arm; still not having sat down from her hug she gave her brother earlier. "What reason would Randy have for lying right now, Sandra? Why would he be saying this?"

"Because...because he—" I stutter.

Shannon shakes her head. "There's no reason, Sandra."

I look at everyone, and I feel something inside of me give way.

"Fine. Fine, you wanna fucking hear it? Then here it is. I hate this group. I hate being here, I hate what you people stand for, what you've made me feel like I've become. And I came here tonight to see if it was all worth it, this entire year I've spent here, this allotted time I've given all of you. Well it wasn't worth it. It was a waste of time." I stand up, feeling myself grow angrier. "None of you give a damn about me, about anyone but yourselves. I've sat here these last few hours and my thoughts were realized. You're all horrible, horrible people. When's it supposed to end?"

"That's enough!" Makayla stands up, too. "You need to watch your fucking mouth, Sandra."

"And you," I spit. "You're the worst of them all. You think that all this time chasing after something you can never have is going to cause you to succeed? You think that we don't notice what you're doing, Makayla? That none of this hurts me or Mason or the rest of this fucking shit-show of a group? You're not going to get your way! He's mine!"