I'm So Sorry

Chapter Thirty-Four

Ben

When Olivia finally is able to speak again, she chooses me.

What do I tell everybody? They know about me lying to everybody, they know about Jessie, what is there to tell them? What do I come out and tell them?

There are many truths I've hidden in my life. For one, I hide my fears. No one knows the types of fears I think about when I'm lying awake at three am. No one knows the things that haunt me every day while I'm in the shower or mowing the lawn. I have stupid hidden fears that just decide to pop up every so often. But telling everybody else; is that right?

"I did lie...about the recruiter talking to me. No one came and talked to me afterwards. Coach told me that I didn't have what they were looking for. I can't get into any schools without a scholarship. I got rejected because my grades. I'm barely graduating next week and I don't know what I'm going to do after high school.

"I didn't have a plan with my life. I just thought, 'Live. And the rest will figure itself out'. So I did that. And then everything went wrong. I lost my mom, I lost my chance to wrestle at a college, and I'm graduating high school and losing the only friends I have come August. There's just not much left that is worth me living with. There's not anything that I'm meant to do besides wrestle. I'm just not smart enough for school, no matter how hard I try. And I'm not good enough at anything. I'm just bad at life."

"That's not true," Jessie says, looking at me. "That's not true and you know it. You are good at something. You're good at being my brother. You're good at protecting someone who needs to be protected, who when they need someone, can be approached."

I feel my heart thumping in my chest. "I couldn't stop you from being...attacked." I can't say the word without anger trying to fill me, so I stop myself. I don't even want to say it, it makes me sick to my stomach.

"You didn't cause that. You can't blame yourself for this," Jessie assures me.

"She's right, Ben," Randy states. "She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And there's a reason it happened. Just like there is a reason we are alive, and the reason we are all here tonight."

"I don't believe that," I say honestly. "I can't believe that we're here for a reason."

Randy shifts in his seat. "You just said that you're not meant to do anything but wrestle, but you say we're not here for a reason? That's the same thing, Ben. You're meant to wrestle; your reason is to wrestle. You can do more in your life, you just haven't figured out a way to make that possible just yet. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong though. It just makes you human."

"I wanted to believe that nothing bad could happen to us, but now that's not so much a thought anymore."

This time, it's Olivia who interjects. "There is no such thing as happiness. At least, that's what I believe. It's a construct. We tell ourselves we can be happy when really, we're just humans who are trying to have an understanding of the world around us."

"And that's okay." Jessie touches my hand. "I don't blame you for that night, Ben."

"No one does, and no one will. The only person to blame is the person that hurt Jessie," Shannon says. "Don't kick yourself for this, Ben. Please."

I look around at everyone in this group and for once, I see them differently, all of them. They aren't the assholes I was looking at earlier. We all really do care about each other. At least somewhat.

And I care about them, too.

I let out a long breath of air and I shudder as I do so.

"Okay," I say. "Okay."