I'm So Sorry

Chapter Thirty-Five

Shannon

"Shannon? I think it's time we heard from you." Ben directs his attention to me, causing the rest of the group to look at me.

I can't tell them. I can't tell them what I've been through in my life. I can't admit my past, the things I've carried my entire life. I keep thinking about telling them and it gives me too much anxiety. There is too much pressure building up inside of me I'm afraid I'll explode in a matter of seconds.

But Jackson and Olivia and Jessie and Ben and Mason....

How can I hold back on the things I've been hiding if they all admitted what has happened to them? How can I hold it all in when they've let everything come pouring out?

Randy

She isn't saying anything. It's been a minute and Shannon is just looking around, her eyes darting to and fro, and the light from the fire is emulating her terrified face. It pops and snaps and crackles as I wait for my sister to speak, but she doesn't. She won't do it. She won't say anything because she's too afraid.

She hides herself from everyone. The difference between her and the rest of the group is that she has to be a leader. She has to seem strong and be able to hold herself on a pedestal so the rest of the group is unified. But Shannon can't do that anymore. The group is crumbling and Shannon is as well. She can't just keep pretending that we ignore her façade every day, and we can't continue to accept that she'll sit quietly for large chunks of time. She has to know.

"Help her," Melody's voice is like a whisper in my ear. "Tell everyone what happened to me. Tell everyone why you're in this group. It's time."

She is more beautiful than ever tonight, I've noticed that. She walks to my side and looks down at me. I stare up at her in disbelief that this girl isn't real. She feels so real every time I look at her, and she looks so real in my dreams—and nightmares. But the constant heartache reminds me she is dead. She has been dead for some time. She will remain dead. But I will love her for the rest of my life.

"I love you," I whisper to Melody. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to say you're sorry any longer, Randy." She leans down and kisses my cheek. "You just need to forgive yourself."

"You all know that I joined this group because I lost somebody," I say aloud so that the group takes their attention off my sister. "I didn't explain it because it was never anybody else's business. You didn't need to know and I certainly didn't need to tell you. But the longer we've been sitting at the same tables or eating the same foods or being in the same environment, the longer I've been coping with the loss of the only girl I've ever loved."

The rest of the group has completely become invested in what I am saying. It's time they know the truth. The truth about Melody, and the truth about me.

"I was dating a girl named Melody. She was the love of my life, and for two years we fell in love harder and harder every day. We met when we were freshmen in high school, and that day set me on the path to being with the best friend I ever had. Melody was my first love, my first kiss, and my first real and true girlfriend. We were inseparable."

"I never knew of a Melody," Shannon says quietly.

I tighten my fist in my lap as I force myself to continue. "I didn't share her. The only people who knew we were dating were our small group of friends. We didn't think it was anybody's business. But she was supposed to meet you. And Mom and Dad. But one night..." I stop in the middle of my sentence, feeling the lump in my throat return as the memories pour into my head. "One night all of that changed."