I'm So Sorry

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Shannon

10:00pm

We've sat in silence for the last fifteen minutes. But it's now ten I notice, looking at my phone. We've just waited for someone to speak, letting the fire slowly die as we sit here, half of us crying, half of us angry, and the entire group just confused. Confused as to what to say next, confused about everything just in general. I'm so confused. I'm so lost. I hurt inside, so deep and so painful, and even with everyone sitting here, knowing the truth about me, and me knowing the truth about everyone else, I don't know what to do. Hell, I don't even know what to say to everyone.

I need to say something though. I do. Not just about me, but about everyone sitting here. I need to fix things. I need to try and fix things that have been broken tonight to the best of my ability. Because this group, this circle of people that I'm sitting with? They mean more to me than I can ever say. No matter how much they've hurt me in the past.

I clear my throat and it immediately catches everyone's attention.

"We..."

I stop for a second, trying to figure out what to say. I look at all of their faces, so expectant, and needing to hear me speak. So...ready.

"We are here for a reason. Not on this planet, but this group. Something told us when we were asked to make this choice; 'Do you want to be sitting here?' We said yes, and we accepted whatever would happen. Look, guys, I'm not perfect. I'm far, far from it. I'm sorry for spending so much time hiding my shit from you all, but we all did it, and it didn't make us better. It made us weaker. But we're not weak for being here. We've all faced hell through the years. We've all had to deal with shit that we wish had never happened, or things we wish we could take back. But we're here right now, we're dealing with it and we're together."

They don't say anything to me, all of them just looking at me for a few seconds.

"She's right," Randy says, sitting up and pulling another cigarette from the box. "I'm not proud of the secrets I keep. I'm not proud of who it is I am, but I deal. I live. We all needed to let this shit go tonight. We had to face our biggest fears. That was telling our secrets."

"But what happens now?" Makayla whispers. "What do we do? Just hope everyone here keeps our secrets? They're calling 'secrets' for a reason, Randy."

"I'm not going to say anything," Randy says with the cig between his lips. "Will you?"

"I won't," Jackson says. "I have no reason to tell any of your secrets."

"We walk in a week," Ben says. "We'll get those diplomas, we'll graduate high school. Who's going to care?"

"Some of us have more to lose," Jessie states. "Some of us are going to be labeled for life."

"No one here is going to talk," Mason reassures her. "And I don't think any of us want you to be marked as someone who was attacked." Everyone nods to what he says. "That's not right, we wouldn't allow it."

"So what do we do? Pretend tonight didn't happen?" Sandra asks coolly from her seat.

"It's not that simple," I reply. "I don't think any of us can pretend that we've all been damaged for so long. I don't expect any of you to look at me again without thinking about my wrists. I'll never look at Jessie the same without thinking about what someone did to her."

"So what then?" Olivia asks. "For once Shannon, I really don't have anything to one-up you with. At this second, you really are the leader. I think you need to tell us what to do here."

They all look at me again expectantly.

What do we do? They're right; we can't just pretend none of this happened, that's kind of pointless. We're going to worry about one another, and we're going to judge each other (slightly) every single time we look at our faces. What do we say to that?

This story isn't a normal one. I can't just come up with some perfect scenario for everyone and wrap it all up in a neat little bow of an explanation. But I know that we can't continue to live with secrets and lies. This isn't the end of our stories. Now that we know the truth, it's only the beginning.

Randy lights his cigarette and takes a long drag of it, and I watch the smoke get pushed from his lips, dissolving in the air. Mason shakes his leg rapidly up and down, trying to keep some of the anxiety within him calm. Sandra pouts with her arms crossed. Jessie twiddles her thumbs, obviously thinking of something that is bothering her. Ben and Jackson both just stare at me, while Olivia twirls a piece of her hair nervously and Makayla bites her lip.

Each person here needs an answer from me. I have to give them one. Olivia's right. In this moment, right now, they need me. Because I'm the leader.

"We're adults, all of us. We're all going to be graduating and moving onto the next part of our lives. These parts of us that we've admitted tonight, they're stuck with us most likely for the rest of our lives. We can't just pretend that they don't exist. But we have to respect each other with whatever the issues are that we are dealing with. That means we have to help each other the best we can. We don't have to let what's been killing us continue to do so. We're stronger than whatever has been fighting us. We can beat our demons. But that means we have to be better, smarter and kinder."

Olivia

She's always talking out of her ass, or says things that don't make sense. She never has hit home for me before.

Yet tonight, at this moment, I understand.

I understand everything.

Jessie

I've never been more comforted by words until now. All the shit she's been through, everything Shannon dealt with for years and she is still the smartest and most genuine person I know.

Maybe I'll tell her about the baby.

Mason

"Okay, Shannon," I tell her. "I agree." I look around at everyone and say, "I think we should follow her example, guys. We may be apart after next week, but she's right. We have to change. Now's the time to do so."

I smile slightly at everyone and they nod along.

Randy

"Since it's also late, I wanted to ask if you guys are okay with ending truth or dare?" Shannon questions the group. No one says anything and she nods again. "Then I think we should retire it. For good. We don't need it."

Melody's words pop back into my head and a small smile comes to my face as I pull the cigarette from my lips. "Truth or dare is for kids anyways."