I'm So Sorry

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Olivia

Even I didn't see this coming, especially tonight. But the look on Mason's face is something I haven't seen before. And something I would never imagine him looking like.

Mason

Of course I'm angry with Sandra, but not as upset as I am by what she's saying. She hasn't done this before, gotten this enraged, this defensive over something. I can't take it anymore. There's no way this is going to continue. I can't pretend anymore that this is what I want. I knew deep down, somewhere in my mind, that Sandra and I were going to break up before we left for school.

But I also know that this confirms what I was pondering earlier. I love Makayla. There's nothing left for Sandra and me.

Sandra

I seemingly fall back onto the bench I was in before, no words escaping my mouth. Nothing. My head is spinning, a loud ringing in my ears. Mason...he broke up with me? He left me? He's done? No, no that's not possible. No, we can't break up. We can't separate; we're perfect for each other! I love him and I know he feels the same way. This isn't the end. This is not the end for us!

"What?" I whisper finally.

"We're done, Sandra," he snaps. "This is over. We're done."

"No," I whisper again. "No, we can't be. I'm so sorry for yelling it's just that—"

Mason crosses his arms as he looks down at me. "We can, and we are. I can't do this with you anymore, Sandra. This? You and me? We're done."

Makayla

I can't believe it. I genuinely can't at all. I'm not only speechless, but my breathing has stopped. I want to smile but even that isn't happening at the moment. All I can think of is how Mason is standing over Sandra right now and telling him it's over. All I can do is force myself to breathe.

All I can do is tell myself, "Finally."

Shannon

"I'm sorry."

The words don't leave my lips easily, and they even surprise me as they do. They burn as they roll off my tongue, as if I touched the fire with my hands.

I feel tears in my eyes as everyone looks at me; unsure of why I'm talking no doubt.

I wipe at my eyes, but tears fall anyways onto my red top. "This...this is my fault. Not this specifically, no, I mean everything leading up to tonight."

"What are you talking about, Shannon?" Randy says to me. "How is any of this your fault?"

"Because I shouldn't have been the leader of this group. I'm the wrong person for this shit, I'm the wrong person to be trying to tell anyone what to do." I look at Olivia. "I didn't ask to be the leader, I swear. Had I known you wanted this for all these years I would have let you take control." I sniff, and then scan the group. "But I didn't. I spent years hating myself and hating whom I've become. I hide myself away, essentially masking my true feelings from every single person in this group. I know what it's like to want to hurt yourself," I look at Jackson and then Jessie. "I know what it feels like to be at that edge." I let out a huff that sounds like a cross between a sigh and a laugh. "I suffer panic attacks; terrible, nasty, painful ones. Before they would just be from anxiety over tests or school or family. But as time has gone on my biggest fear is disappointing everyone around me. Is hurting you guys. And I did that. Without even realizing it I've hurt each of you by dragging you into this mess that we've created. And I'm so fucking sorry that I did that to all of you."

Randy's hand touches mine and he looks me dead in the eyes. The firelight dances on his face as he tells me, "You are braver than you know, Shannon."

"You've hidden this from us since day one?" Olivia asks. I turn to face her. She is looking at the ground, but her eyes flicker towards me for a moment. "You've dealt with panic attacks?"

I shake my head, more tears forming as the truth is finally spilled. "I used to cut myself too. Every damn day. For years." The tears fall fast and heavy down my face, my voice cracking. "And I just didn't know how to ask for any help from anyone." I sniff once again. "Because I was supposed to lead. Because I was supposed to be the one that you all needed. But being here tonight, surrounded by you guys, I feel like the walls I spent my entire life building are breaking in front of me; crumbling to the ground. And I just..." I cry harder as I try to finish my sentence. "I just didn't want you guys to ever see me like this. I was supposed to be strong for all of you."

Ben

It's the last bit that she says. It's saying that she was supposed to be strong for us. Why did Shannon have to be the one whom suffered every day? Why did she have to be the strong one for all of us?

Maybe it's because somebody had to. And we made it Shannon.

Jackson

All these years and all those tears that she hid from us as well as the rest of the world...all of that time...all of that pain. How the hell has she done it? How did Shannon hold her own for so damn long?

Because we made her by calling her the "leader".

And a leader is supposed to be the strong one. Not the weak one.

Randy

There are things I knew about my sister. Things I knew she wouldn't like. Things that if I told her, she'd deny every single one of them. I knew she was cutting herself. I knew how she felt about being the leader of this group. But knowing that this entire time I could hear her crying behind that bedroom door was because of panic attacks? That's where I've been lost. To see Shannon break down like this in front of everyone, after what we've all been through tonight is sick. Knowing that these people have gone through the events that they have leading up to this moment is disgusting. Knowing our lives are all about to change because of tonight?

That's something I need to see through.

Shannon doesn't know that admitting these problems is going to help her. It's going to fix everything. I can feel it. I just know it.