I'm So Sorry

Chapter Forty

Makayla

I stand from the fire pit and stretch a little. Randy's the last person besides me whom hasn't stood yet.

"Coming Randy?" I ask him as I move around the plastic chairs.

"In a bit. I'll put out the fire and everything," he tells me without taking his eyes off of it.

I nod and I start walking off, thinking maybe he just needs another minute to himself. "Wait, Makayla?" His voice beckons me back, and I turn around to see him looking at me now. "I'll see you at graduation. Congrats, by the way. All of you. High school isn't the easiest thing to get through in life, and especially with the hell you were all going through? You deserve that diploma."

I smile gently at Randy. "Thank you. Seriously, thank you." I'm about to turn around and leave when something inside of me tells me to say something to him. "And Randy? Just so you know, after listening to your story...I think...I think Melody's death wasn't something you could prevent. You wouldn't have been able to save her." He gets this glassy look in his eyes and cocks his head slightly. "What I mean is, if we're all in the situation's that we're in, Jessie having been attacked, Shannon's panic attacks, Jackson's past, Mason's dad beating him—" I stop myself midsentence, swallowing that fact painfully. "You and Melody were meant to find each other in those parts of your lives. But you couldn't do anything. You were meant to be with her that day. You were meant to be the person she obviously loved. I have a feeling if she were still here she'd be telling you exactly what I'm saying.

"Don't beat yourself anymore, Randy. There's a whole world out there waiting for you to experience it. You've grieved her for long enough. It's time."

Randy looks at me blankly, obviously taking in what I've just said to him, but he nods once before turning back to the fire. I think I said what I needed to, and I start walking down the backyard towards Shannon's house.

Why is it with Randy I was able to say exactly what I needed to but with Mason it was like pulling out my own hair over and over again? Why am I so cowardly about it?

Jessie and Ben are talking to one another off to the side of the lawn and I can see Mason and Sandra off next to the shed, obviously arguing with each other. I can even see Olivia and Jackson on the deck. But where's Shannon?

I walk past all the people talking, including when Sandra runs out the gate and jumps into her car when I am about to open the sliding glass door into the house. She's seriously the biggest drama queen, and this is coming from the girl with severe depression. I roll my eyes as I walk into the house, noticing Shannon over at the sink.

"Hey, you okay?" I question as I go up to her slowly. "I didn't even see you leave the fire."

"Fine," she mutters. But I can hear her voice crack.

I touch her arm. "No you're not. Hey, look at me for a second."

She does and when that happens I notice her face has gone very pale. She's shaking a little as well, something I didn't notice from afar.

"Hey, hey, Shannon, what's wrong, why are you shaking?" I ask her, pulling her into a hug. She's taller than me by a few inches but still hugging her seems to be a really difficult thing all of a sudden. "Shannon, talk to me what's wrong?"

Shannon

"Panic attack," I finally manage to squeak out. Just saying those two words was extremely difficult since I can barely breathe. But Makayla's arms are comforting and I take that into account as I try to slow my breathing and calm down a little bit. I try so hard, immensely hard, to breathe and to calm down.