I'm So Sorry

Chapter Forty-Three

Makayla

In my head I count out the steps. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." It's just for a simple toss, but it still helps to count when I throw.

God I love doing Colorguard. It's one of my favorite things to do. I can't wait when I'm at USC and doing marching band again. I haven't even left yet and I'm ready to start. It's insane to think how in just a few months I'll be living in another state completely, away from everyone and everything I know.

I turn on my iPod and put on that song Jackson told me about, and I start walking around the yard with my flag, doing another spin.

I don't know if it's the fact that everything is out there now, or maybe the words I spoke with Randy before leaving the fire pit, or maybe even comforting Shannon during her panic attack. But something inside of me feels a lot better. Like, breathing is somehow more controllable. Jessie got home a while ago, and since I got that text I felt a lot better as well. I don't know. Maybe I just really, really needed tonight?

'We played hide and seek in waterfalls, we were younger, we were younger'

I smile at the song again. I love it. I love this song so much. As soon as I had gotten home I'd downloaded it onto my phone and put it in my playlist. It's a perfect song to end tonight with, to hear after everything went down.

This song just seems to understand how I feel. I don't know, I can't exactly explain it.

I do one more spin, something easy, throwing it up into the air while turning around underneath it quickly, then twirl the flag in my hands for a few seconds before holding the stick with both hands.

That's all for tonight. I'm tired now.

I pick up my phone as the song keeps playing.

Missed Call

Mason Kase (1)

Voicemail

Mason Kase (1)

Oh God, I didn't even get the phone call. It must have been because the service is terrible out here. I'll call him back in a few minutes.

I hope everything is okay.

Yet somehow when I put my phone in my pocket and start walking with my flag back to my house from the yard, there's a smile on my face. Somehow I just know that...this is a good thing.

Sandra

My headphones are jammed in my ears as I sit on the bench. Fuck this, no one is out tonight. If they come near me I have a can of pepper spray on my keychain.

This wasn't how tonight was supposed to go. Tonight wasn't supposed to hurt me so much that I was sitting alone. I'm alone, that's the general consensus right now. Mason just up and left me. I don't get it. Why did he think leaving me was smart? I've been there for him for months, for so much fucking time and he just leaves me because I said a few bad things about those shitty, shitty friends of his.

This was our bench. This one specifically, the only one not shaded by the oak trees in the park. We liked that it was out in the open, and we'd sit here, rain or shine, and we would just talk and be a couple. The perfect couple. The couple that is—was—in love.

Now what am I supposed to do? I'm going to school so close because of Mason, he was the person I consulted before every choice. I would ask him because I wanted him to know, I wanted him to understand and I wanted him to help me. But what do I do now? Just live here and pretend that my heart isn't shattered into a thousand pieces? Fuck that. I'm not going to pretend anything.

This group was a fucking mistake. This...all of this was just a mistake.

The tears still fall down my face and I violently wipe them away. I don't want to cry over this shit, but I can't hold it in, I can't stop it. It's too painful.

'We played hide and seek in waterfalls, we were younger, we were younger.'

I'm broken. He broke me and he doesn't even care. And he just wants me to be okay with this? No. No, I'm not going to. I'm going to be upset. I'm going to carry this. M heart is broken because of him.

Everyone else can worry about being there for one another, worry about loving everyone and keeping their secrets. But tonight all their secrets will stay buried inside of me. But they'll stay secrets because I'm never talking to them ever again.

Next week I get that diploma. And I'm going to keep that promise that I made to myself. I'm not going back to being their friends. I'm done. I don't need these people and they don't need me. And I certainly don't need to look at Mason's stupid fucking face every time I see all of the rest of them. If Jessie wants to talk to me, then so be it. The rest of them are dead to me, especially Makayla. She knew what I had and she wanted Mason all to herself. She just wanted to watch me die inside, wanted to watch me feel the pain that she's felt. That's because she's an ugly, fat, short and disgusting person. No one should ever love her because she doesn't deserve to be loved. Ever.

Well guess what, bitch? You got your wish. He's all yours.

I go into my phone and into my contacts.

Mason My Love

I stare at the name for a moment, trying to decide if it's best. Then I realize I know what's best for me, and that's getting the toxic people out of my life. I scroll to the bottom of Mason's contact information.

Delete Contact

With one click Mason's information is deleted from my contacts. Then I go into the group chat with everybody, currently named "Best People Ever" with a heart emoji next to it. How adorable. I mentally roll my eyes at the disgusting group chat name. I go into the details section and scroll down. I'm not going to miss any of this. I'm ready to move on. And I don't want to take any of these imbeciles—or their issues—with me.

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