I'm So Sorry

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Ben

Essentially, we're free to go. And when Shannon is done talking I take that as my cue to be able to stand. I'm ready to get out of here. A few other people stand up and we all kind of disperse throughout the backyard. I notice Mason walk off a bit quickly down the way and I have a slight urge to go up to him and apologize, but I stop myself. Not tonight. We all said what we could say to one another tonight. I don't need to stir the pot if it's already finished stewing.

"So the only question that I have left," Jessie's voice reaches my ears from besides me. I look down at her. "Is what about Mom and Patrick?"

"I thought Beth knew about what happened to you. Same with my dad." I cock my head in confusion.

"That's not what I'm talking about, Ben. They don't know about you, do they? I don't like the idea of going off to Virginia and leaving you behind, here at home. But you know that our parents need to know what's going on with you."

I sigh. "I know, Jess. I do. Just...can I not do this tonight? Please? It's been such a long, stressful day. I just want to clear my head right now. I just need to get out of here. Can you cover at home for me?"

"Why, where are you going?" There's a look in her eye that shows her worries, but I know she has no reason to do so.

"Are you okay getting home tonight? Should I drive you home so you don't have to be alone? After all, if I had just taken you home that night—"

She cuts me off midsentence, shaking her head at me. "This is not your fault. I wish you'd stop saying that."

I shrug and put my hands in my pocket. Talking to her like this makes me feel less like her sister and more like a stranger getting shut out. I know everything but even when she tells me that I couldn't have changed anything I just hear that voice in my head. I don't think it's going to go away. Even though I've sat here and listened to everyone talk about all of his or her issues, I'll never stop blaming myself for years about this.

This is something I think I'll carry on my back for the rest of my life, no matter what anyone, including Jessie says.

"I should be fine. If I park in the garage especially, then I'll be even safer." She takes a deep breath. "If I continue to live in fear of this asshole then I'm never going to be okay. Does that make sense?"

I nod. "Of course it does. I just love you, step-sis."

She smiles and reaches her arms around me. "I love you too, step-bro."

I close my eyes, enjoying this moment. I love her so much, and I just want to make sure she's safe. I want her to be okay.

But maybe my little step-sister is just a little bit braver than she ever lets on. I think I'm okay with that.

She pulls away. "I'll cover for you. Go do what you want to. Just let me know when you come home. Knock on the wall, okay?"

I nod again. "Of course."

I start walking off, heading towards the gate. I just want to go clear my head for a few hours, away from my friends and my family for a bit. But one things for sure, and I'm a hell of a lot better now than I was when I got here.

Who knows? Maybe I'll even jump Shannon's gate again just to see if she smiles.

Sandra