I'm So Sorry

Chapter Twenty

Jessie

"There must be a mistake." I'm dreaming. This is all a dream and when I wake up I'm going to laugh that I had a dream about this because there's no way in hell that I'm pregnant. "He...he used a condom, I know he did, I heard him put it on. It's been one week, how can you have already found out that I'm...pregnant?" I whisper the last word so no one hears me; so that I can pretend I didn't even hear it. But it leaves my lips feeling like acid, burning me and killing me with every passing second that I think about it. This is bullshit; this is insane I am not pregnant!

"Usually, yes, the fetus wouldn't be found right away. We're guessing the condom ripped at some point due to the trauma..." he trails off, obviously not wanting to go on continuing what he's saying, but clears his throat and continues with his deep voice. "When we did the rape kit, you said he had been wearing a condom, therefore you weren't given the medicine that should have been distributed. Now we realize that because of this there's a greater chance of finding the rapist. His semen—" I flinch. "—Was inside of you. This means that there's a chance if this has happened before we can catch him."

"But what does that mean for me? What am I supposed to do, I'm eighteen, and I'm about to graduate high school! How am I supposed to face all these people with a goddamn baby inside of me?!" I'm so close to screaming, so close to making it so the rest of the group can hear me, so close to crying my eyes out and falling over to have another panic attack. "How is this happening to me?" I whisper.

"The good news is it's only been a week since the incident. This means that the fetus has barely begun its growth, which means if you are up for it, you could get an abortion. Now seeing as you're eighteen, you're obviously legal enough to make this choice. However, I would strongly advise talking to your parents about this decision. This is something that can change your life, Jessie. I'm not saying that you should give up your life or throw caution to the wind. But it's something that you can't just decide on a whim."

As Dr. Tucker talks I slowly turn my head to face the group and feel my heart drop to my stomach. They're going to notice if I get pregnant, they're the only people I hang out with. Not to mention it's going to be nine months I'll have this baby if I keep it, which means going to college pregnant, then being forced to raise a baby as well as going to college and starting my life. I can't do that. I'm not strong enough, old enough and I don't have enough money to do that. There's no way this can happen to me. There's no way I'd be able to keep this baby.

But...

"Miss Gefferson are you still on the line?" Dr. Tucker's voice barely registers to me as I'm thinking.

I don't want to take the life of a child, no matter how old. There's a person inside of me, there's a living being growing from my stomach. I'm carrying another life. And I don't believe abortion is the right choice, even when the woman didn't ask for it and everything but is it wrong of me to want to change my answer because now it's all on me? I'm responsible for what happens next. I could either be the girl who gives birth in the middle of her freshman year of college, or I could be the girl that had an abortion to get rid of a kid who was the product of a rape. Either way I go I'm going to be fighting this choice over and over again, and toying with if it was right for the rest of my life.

Why is it every time I think everything can either go back to normal or can settle down, it all comes crashing down to earth and ready to destroy me?

"Can I get back to you on this? Tomorrow? It's just been a long day, and I'm kind of still registering it," I finally answer.

"Oh, of course," Dr. Tucker says, seemingly taken aback at my choice. "Miss Gefferson, you do understand that as your doctor, I'm not allowed to take the liberties of telling you the correct answer. But please remember that whatever you choose to do, it's what's best for you and it is what you think is right."