I'm So Sorry

Chapter Fourteen

Jackson

When I got out of the hospital and back to school, the way everything felt was different. I didn't look at people anymore; I kept to myself even more, kept my head down. I avoided Jerry and Bruce, but they still found ways to get to me without actually going near me. Mom called the principal, a teacher was now watching my every move, every other child in the school's move towards me. She wasn't about to let her kid go back to the hospital because of two bullies. No one attempted to talk to me when I came back, they just went about their day's, pretending that I wasn't there. It wasn't anything new, only difference now was that people knew I was scrawny, knew I was weak.

They knew who I was because I was bullied so often.

"So do you just like, sit here and wait for the time to pass you by every single day until it's time to go home?"

I was sitting on the bench on the playground, book in hand only a few weeks after the attack. It was a warm November day, and everyone else was outside, blowing off some steam before Thanksgiving break. Me on the other hand, I was trying to get through the day so I could go home and kill myself.

I had been playing with the idea since the attack. No one knew. No one knew that I was slipping pills from the medicine cabinet at home and stealing Advil and Tylenol by telling the nurse I had a massive headache every few days the last three weeks. No one knew about the suicide note I had hidden under my pillow, seemingly burning me every time I slept in that bed, tears staining my entire face every night. No one knew anything, because no one ever cared.

Eleven-year-old Olivia sat down next to me that day and scared me while I was reading "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince", trying to finish the novel. I was getting close to the end, and wanted to read this book so I could go home and read book seven before I killed myself. That's why I had been waiting to do it since I got out of the hospital. I told myself that I had to wait, to read the rest of the series, to find out what happens to Harry and his friends. I had to wait.

"Hello?" Olivia asked me when I didn't answer her question. "Dude, have you gone mute? I know you can talk. Answer my question, what's up?"

I didn't know what I was supposed to say to her. Tell her that she was right, that I just read to pass the time? That I was in love with this novel and the story it told? That Harry and his friends were the reason I was alive at this point? What did she want me to say?

"Yeah," I said stupidly instead. "I do."

"That's stupid. What kind of person does that? Just sits and let's life go by without looking up? Why don't you ever look up?"

I decided not to answer her and continued reading, turning to the next page. I was about to find out the end of the novel, Harry and Dumbledore had just returned to Hogsmeade together and Dumbledore was weak. I had to keep reading.

"Jackson, dude, seriously?"

I looked back up at her again. Her eyes were wide and her head tilted. But the reason I looked up was because she knew my name.

"H-how do you know—"

"Everyone knows your name. Come on, you're the only person who has ever stood up to Jerry and Bruce, even if they kicked your ass."

I gasped.

"Oh stop. Seriously? You don't do cursing? Wake up, smell the roses, Jackson. We're living in an age that cursing is just another thing no one cares about anymore. You know how stupid it is that people pick on you because you're gay? Screw them. They're uneducated pricks who don't deserve to know you, let alone be around you."

I was interested in what she was saying. How did she know all of this, how did this register in her brain and no one else's? Why was she different?

"Listen," she came closer to me. "I think that everyone has been treating you unfairly for months now, even the teachers. You know, being gay doesn't mean you're different than anyone else. It means you're human. You just think guys are cute. Not girls. So what's the big fucking deal?"

That time I actually recoiled.

"Okay, fair enough. That word's a bit strong even for our age. Sorry."

"Why do you curse?" I finally asked. "I'm curious. No one has a reason to around here. I don't."

She took that into consideration as she tapped her sneakers together, starring down at them. "My mom and older sister...yell a lot. You pick up on new sayings, new ways of viewing the world and your life." She looked back up at me, putting on what looked like a fake smile. Her smile had a missing tooth, one of her top teeth.

That day became the day I learned to distinguish between Olivia's real smile and her fake smile. I don't know if even to this day she knows that I know about her fake smile, but that day, I knew the smile she had given me was fake.

I didn't know what to reply to her statement. I just sat there, waiting for her to continue talking, but she didn't say anything. She just hung her head to look back at her feet.

"So here I am. Looking at the world differently than these brats and whiny idiots. The girls complaining that they want to look like Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez, the guys talking about football like they get it better than their own fathers. Ha, we're surrounded by people who know nothing but talk like they think they understand the world. No. I don't think anyone understands anything."

"Why?"

She turned to look at me; surprised I had finally said something.

There was a sparkle in her eye. "We're eleven and twelve years old, Jackson. We don't know jack crap."

That had made me smile.

"Do me a favor, okay? At the end of the day, when school is over, come find me. My locker is three, three, six, four. Don't leave without seeing me. Okay?"

It was the first time someone had ever wanted to talk to me again. I was shocked at what she was asking, but I nodded, trying not to look too eager.

She smiled—this time her real one—and got up off the bench. She started walking away, but turned back around before I had a chance to open "Harry Potter" back up.

"By the way," she said, a curl to her lip. "Dumbledore dies."

I've never told Olivia that she saved my life that day. In my mind, it was my way of getting back at her for spoiling my favorite novel.

Randy

Her name was Melody.

And she was perfect.

She had this beautifully curly hair that smelled of flowers, had this smile that lit up every room she came across and most of all, she loved me. And I loved her.

And I still love her.

Ben

"Umm, how about dare?" I figure I'll regret it, asking for dare. But I'd rather do some horrible dare than a truth.

"Go back to the house and change. Go commando for the rest of the game."

Everyone usually laughs at dares like this but tonight, for some reason, myself included, the dare isn't funny. It just seems overused.

"Fine. Be back in five minutes."

"Wait, don't you wanna ask someone 'Truth or dare'?" Sandra questions me.

"No, it's fine, we've done this dare before," Shannon explains to her. "We always wait. It's a good time to start the s'mores, that way we don't waste any time. Ben, just be quick, okay?"

I nod to Shannon, grabbing my phone. "Be right back."