Recollections

The Time I Faced Reality

The Time I Faced Reality
(song of the chapter: The Writer // Ellie Goulding)

I know he's home, I saw his car parked in the lot. I've been sitting on the steps outside of his apartment for nearly an hour now. This is weighing heavily on me and I can't seem to find the nerve to knock.

The door behind me opens and I twist to see who's behind me. Seth is locking the door to his apartment and hasn't spotted me yet. I stand up from the stairs and turn to face him.

When he turns around his darkened eyes fall on me.

"Erin." His lips speak my name and I'm suddenly reminded that I'm making the right decision. When Austin says my name, every fiber in my body reacts. With Seth, I hardly feel a thing.

"Hey." I pick my nails and avoid meeting his gaze.

"How long have you been out here?"

I shrug. "Not long." He doesn't know what to say. Lately I've been distant and it's because I knew what was to come between Seth and I. As far as he knows I'm behaving this way because of my constant caregiving for Elena.

"How's Elena?"

"We need to talk Seth." I don't bother answering his empty question.

Seth's eyes are trying to read my face but he doesn't find anything. "About?"

"Us." I explain. "We--I, I'm breaking up with you." I struggle to say. This is it, this is me facing my reality.

His brows raise and his face drains of all color. "Why?"

I don't know what to tell him.

"Because of Austin?" He demands.

My head is shaking. "Because I'm in love with someone else and you deserve better than that."

Seth is pulling on his hair and my heart hurts watching him feel this pain that I'm causing. This is reality. Reality is pain, I would know. It'd hurt him more if I cheated on him, I'm doing this for his best interest.

"Don't give me that scripted response Erin." He snaps.

"The reality is Seth, is that I've been trying to love you and I can't. Whether I like it or not, I'm in love with Austin. No matter if I stay with you now or I don't, this isn't going to work out. So why not deal with the inevitable."

His fingers are pressing against his eyelids and I watch him take several breaths in and out. Unable to watch him fall apart any further, I turn away and start my descent down the stairs. It's not until I'm almost to my car that Seth comes up behind me.

I don't turn around, my fingers unlock my car doors with the key fob and I climb into the drivers seat.

"Erin, please." His words are strangled and I think he's fighting back tears. "I love you."

My forehead falls against my steering wheel and I laugh a pained laugh. "No you don't. You shouldn't."

"Just because I shouldn't doesn't mean I don't." He croaks. I know the feeling. "Please don't go back to him. He ruined you Erin, I would never do that to you. I'd take care of you and help get past him. You don't love me right now, but you would have. I could see it in your eyes."

His words hurt. Maybe because he's partly true, Austin did ruin me. The more reasonable part of me has been reminding me of this constantly, reminding me that Seth is better for my health mentally and emotionally, but the other part of me is fixated on Austin.

He's wrong though, I wouldn't have loved him--not in the way he'd want me to at least.

"Seth. I'm sorry." I pull my door shut and twist my key in the ignition. Seth watches me pull out of the lot but I don't look back.

(A/N: This will be a two-part recollection. The following update will be tied together with this one.)