Recollections

The Time I Hurt Him

The Time I Hurt Him
(song of the chapter: Untouchable // Taylor Swift)

My dream jolts me awake with the feeling that I'm falling. I dart upright in the bed and clench the sheets tightly in my fists. Air isn't filling my lungs fast enough as I inhale and exhale rapidly trying to calm my heart rate.

My hands eventually lose their grip on the sheets and I rub my eyelids. Slowly, I ease myself back against the bed so that I can try to fall back to sleep. When I turn to my left, I reach for him. My palms are met by nothing. Austin's isn't within my reach and that causes me to open my eyes again. From what I can see in the darkness I'm alone in the bed.

"Austin." I choke out. His absence is sending me into a panic. I'm climbing out of bed immediately and making my way out into the living room.

I've yet to notice a light on in our apartment which is only frightening me more. "Austin." I hoarsely call out again.

This time I'm answered. "I'm in here."

I follow the sound of his voice and I notice his silhouette perched on the stool of our counter top. I move towards him naturally and my arms wrap around him from behind. The smell of him alone, calms my nerves and I press my face against his back just between his shoulder blades.

"What are doing up?" He asks softly.

"I had a...a dream." His face cranes to give me a sideways glance and I press my face further into his back.

"About what?"

I shake my head against his back. "Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Come back to bed."

Austin's shoulders feel tense all of a sudden and I lean away from him to get a good look at his profile. "What are you doing up?" I decide to ask.

He shrugs and my arms unwrap from around his waist. "Baby." I press.

Austin's silence makes an eerie feeling stir within my chest and for some reason my first instinct is to flick on the kitchen light. A sudden burst of light illuminates the entire room and the first thing I see is him, like always.

The second thing I see is the bottle of beer sitting in front of him. His index finger is circling the lip of the bottle and I take an involuntary step backwards.

"What are you doing Austin?" I accusingly ask.

"I wanted a beer."

"You're a recovering alcoholic, you don't just drink a beer. You don't drink at all." My numb words jab at him.

His blue eyes finally snap up to mine and I see the sadness behind his guarded expression. "Go back to bed Erin, I'll be in there in a little bit. I'm okay, I'm not having a relapse, I just wanted a beer."

I study his face for a moment longer and I believe him. He doesn't seem to be having some sort of alcoholic binge, he just seems like he's deep in thought at two in the morning, sitting alone in the dark kitchen. Nothing else is said, I simply nod once and pad out of the kitchen my feet making soft pattering against the tile as I exit. The sound of my footsteps silences as I transition from tile to carpet and shut the bedroom door behind me.

I nestle back into our bed and I'm all too aware of my loneliness. This feeling is too familiar to me and I want to storm back out into the kitchen and command him to come back to bed with me this very minute. This isn't like him, this is like the old him--the him he was when I left. Sleeping in the living room and leaving me alone in our bed to drown in my thoughts.

He said he'd be here in a little, he will, I believe him. Until then, I'm unable to sleep. My eyelids are wide open and I listen for any sort of sound from outside our room. I'm facing the wall when I hear our bedroom door click open then closed again. The weight on the bed shifts as Austin climbs back in behind me.