Recollections

The Time With Reading

The Time With Reading
(song of the chapter: Can You Stand The Rain // New Edition)

Austin has been gone for three days.

He and Elena decided it'd be good for them to join Candice on her road trip up to Connecticut. Candice had announced two weeks ago that she'd be driving to Connecticut to visit her sisters. She said she needed to get away, everything was reminding her of Harold.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to forget your father. But you have to understand how painful it is to be reminded of his absence every where I turn." Candice had confessed.

And so she packed her bags and extended the invitation to her kids, but insisted that she was going with or without them. Austin was skeptical at first, but I cajoled him into it.

"This will be good for you. It'll be good for you to spend time with your Mom and Elena without me. And when was the last time you saw your Aunts in Connecticut?"

It took me all of four minutes to convince him and so he went, just like I'd expected. What I didn't expect, was to feel this vacant. I've lived for months sans Austin--barely but I did it--what's so difficult about a week without him? We talk on the phone nightly and I've been busy throughout the day so that's not the issue.

The anxiousness that I've been feeling doesn't start to weigh on me until the evenings, when I'm home alone. Over the past few nights, I've been trying to fill the void by playing music and keeping busy. I cook myself dinner, clean the apartment, wash excessive loads of laundry, and watch numerous movies.

Tonight, in order to keep busy, I start to arrange the books on Austin's shelf based on their size. It isn't until I reach the third shelf of books that I come across a book with a leather spine and an elastic band that wraps around the book to keep the pages together. Popping off the elastic, I flick the worn pages against my thumb. It dawns on me that this isn't an actual book, but a journal. When I catch sight of the familiar scrawled writing, my heart shivers.

Would it be totally inappropriate for me to read Austin's journal? If he didn't want me reading it he wouldn't have put it on the bookshelf in plain sight, right? Unable to resist, I flick to a random page.

...it's frustrating because she just makes decisions on her own that will be impacting the both of us. I understand her grandmother is ill and she needs to see her, but Jesus, a whole month without Erin? There's not a doubt in my mind that our relationship will withstand the temporary distance, but she's making this seem so nonchalant that I can't help but be annoyed. How can she not be bothered by the fact that four weeks will pass until we get to see each other? Just thinking about not being able to see her at a moments notice is driving me insane.

I recognize this memory almost instantly. This is when I flew to Switzerland to visit my sick grandmother before her passing. Austin was less than thrilled about the idea, and I'd never admit this but I wasn't too stoked about the distance either. I skim the remainder of the page and stop when a sentence catches my eye.

She told me she loves me.

My breath hitches. I'd told him I'd loved him as he was walking away, I remember. The fact that he was as rattled by confession as I was makes me grin. I'd gotten on the plane after I told him and grinned like an idiot for fifteen minutes. Then, when the situation's reality set in, I started to cry. I continue reading Austin's entry.

She told me she loves me. Fuck. How the hell am I supposed to let her fly halfway across the globe now? I'm sitting idly by my phone waiting for her to call. She said she'd call when she lands and I've been waiting for half an hour now, because I'm still not sure how the time difference works over there.