Her Second Chance

Chapter 21

17 October(Saturday)

Alex's POV

It's been two weeks since that fateful day. Exactly two weeks I almost died, and almost two weeks being Mrs O' Connor. It's so strange to think of that.Luke promised we'd talk about this change, and we have, but it's just that I hav'nt signed the certificate. I don't know if I'm ready to totally give my life away, and I'm not sure I want Luke to give away his life either. Even though it would be totally amazing to be his forever. That seems like a  dream come true, but my dreams have a funny way of backfiring. I don't think I could take heartbreak. We need to talk about this. I mean seriously talk. And stop this nonsense

I haven't been back to work as yet,and I'm bored out of my mind. Jen suggested Josh stay over at her house, so I wouldn't have to take him to school, and I miss him so much. This home is just so quiet without him. The silence almost scary. Luke's been by, and he's tried to coerce me into talking about how I'm feeling, but I've managed to push aside talk about the accident. I don't want to. I'm not ready to go there. I'm not ready to think about what could have happened if I'd died. It's scares me to think about it. As it is for a few nights now I've woken up shivering, and in sweats. The scariest and most weird thing is, I haven't been able to drink a glass of water since I'd woken up in that hospital. Everytime I attempt to, I start shaking, so I've stayed without it. I haven't been able to even have a soak in my tub, because the thought of laying there, brings back so much of bad memories. All I've managed to have is a shower. I'm aware that is a problem, and I have to deal with it, but not right now. No one is going to find out anyway, it's my secret, and it's going to remain that way.

Josh will be back tommorrow, so at least I won't feel so alone. Luke had to fly to London on Wednesday, and I don't expect him back anytime soon, so I have today alone. Maybe a movie and popcorn. That sounds good. I have to do something, because I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Crazy thinking of almost dieing. Crazy about being married to a super star. This is all so overwhelming. I keep looking at the ring to make myself believe it's true. Also it's so weird hearing Josh referring to Luke as dad. It's so strange, but I must admit its so special. Then again Luke is a pretty special guy to have even agreed to that. He's my special guy,and I love him with all the hidden love I have. I just need to decide how to move forward.Well there are a few choices I need to make. I'm just to frustrated to make them. Actually I'm really so angry. Angry at myself for being weak. Angry that I lost control of my life. Angry that I feel this way. "Damn! Come on Alex. You are stronger than this" My subconscious reminds me. Yes I am strong. I made it this far right.

Looking at the time I see it's almost seven, so I shut the patio door, and head to the lounge. It's freezing in here. I notice its getting quiet cold now. I light a fire, and proceed to making popcorn. I really am not feeling hungry. Actually I haven't been hungry for some time. I think the last time I had a proper meal was with Luke. Since then I've been snacking on popcorn, and tea, and it's visible. My clothes don't fit the same anymore I guess that's what happens when you find yourself almost dieing.

After making  my popcorn, I clean up the mess, and without thinking I pour myself a glass of water, and as I move it to my mouth I freeze. I
can do this. It's just water. So why can't I drink it? My hands are shaking. I feel weak, and angry, and that's the reason why the glass go's flying across the room. The tears begin, and I fall to the floor, crouching my knees to me. I cry, because I don't know what to do. The only other time I've ever felt so out of control in my life was when I felt like death with Todd. Then I had people I spoke to, but now I don't have anyone. So what do I do? I can't remain this way forever. My son needs a mother who is strong. He needs to be able to depend on me. I cry until I realise it's been some time that I've been sitting on the floor, but I don't move. Not until I hear the key in the lock, and then footsteps. That can only mean one thing. Luke is here. No! No! He can't see me in this state.  Never. I will not be weak. I will not seem out control. I try to get up without cutting myself, but it's too late. He's already near, and when my eyes meet his, I know he realises somethings amiss.