I Don't Even Know ❇ malum au

37

I was going to hang out with Calum, but he had work.

I had tried skyping either Luke or Ashton, but they were busy.  So, I decided that it was the day that I needed some sort of closure with my father.

I got cleaned up, dressed nice, and made sure that I looked acceptable.

Even though I told myself that it was my intention to get closure about his absence - I kind of wanted to just make things right.  I wanted my life back.

And as I walked out that door, I was sure that day would change my life.

I just wanted my dad back.

•••

"Hey, dad," I smiled as the older man welcomed me into his hotel room.  He seemed rather reluctant - but hell, what did I know?

Maybe it was just me jumping to conclusions the whole time.

"Michael," he sighed, running a hand through his now thinning hair.  He did look a bit different from the last time that I'd seen him.  And I was sure that I looked different, too.

"How've you been?"

"Are you gaining weight, son?"

I pursed my lips together in confusion.  Yeah, I was gaining weight.  I was getting back to health.  I'd only out on ten pounds, at most.  My clothes still fit; they were just baggy to begin with.

"Y-yes?"

"I can tell," he scoffed, seeming as if he were disgusted by me.

Wow, this really did trigger some of my memories.  All of the hate; all of the disgust; all of the loneliness; all of the times when I felt pathetic, useless, like a burden.

This made me realize that I was still the burden that I had once thought myself to be.

All of the progress I'd made to get away from my insecurities - it was going out the window.

All that Calum had done for me - it was slowly slipping away.

Hell, was I even sure that Calum cared for me?

Of course he did; he had to.

"Anyway, how are you, dad?"

"Why did you really come here today?" He looked down his nose at me, causing me to feel a pange of pain in my heart.  That really did hurt.

I wanted my father to love me, yet he refused.

"Stop with the fucking head games, dad!  Really, I just wanna know how you've been," I nearly lost my temper, but I managed to regain myself.

"I'm afraid that I'll have to call security if you do not tell me what it is that you want."

I rolled my eyes and gritted my teeth, hating this whole situation.  It definitely was not going as I had planned.  Nothing was working out.  And the scary thoughts that I used to have - they were reemerging as well.

It was all too much to handle.

"Why did you abandon me, you piece of shit?"

"Jane, she died during labor," he said darkly.

Why was he brining my mother into the situation?  He was at fault, not her.

"Don't you dare bring her name into this," I nearly growled, shoving him back.

He then slapped me with enough force to knock me off my feet, litteraly.

I fell to the ground with a thud, my face stinging, my bum hurting, and tears beginning to pool out of my eyes.