I Don't Even Know ❇ malum au

21

^Goals^

Dear Friend,

Hangovers sure as hell are not fun.  And especially not when my eyes are so sensitive that I have too wear sunglasses in my darkened room.

I texted Ash not too long ago.

He's leaving in about a day.

He's fucking leaving, Friend...

Is this even real?

I mean, I've come to terms with the thought of his absence - but I'm a mess even when he's around.
What am I going to do without him?

I just don't know, anymore, Friend.

Sometimes, I even text Luke.  He seems to be a good guy.  I'm so happy for Ash, you know?  He's definitely going to be happy with the tall blonde.
What about me?

Where's my love story?

Where's my happy ending?

I haven't talked to Calum since a weird dream that I had.  I just - I just don't know, you know?

And to top that off, I pissed myself just as soon as I woke up.  I fucking pissed myself.  I mean, it wasn't as much as I would usually exert from my body - but still...

It was embarrassing.

I'm still very ashamed of the occurance, Friend.

And I'm proud of myself.  I actually fixed breakfast and ate it.  But, I guess not all things are just as peachy as they seem.

I got sick just after I ate.  Stupid hangover.

And after I got sick, I was fed up.

I broke down, clawing the hell out of my ribs, stomach, arms, and thighs.  Anything I could reach but still hide from sight.

I even bleed afterward.  I mean, I bleed the last time, too.  But I bleed a bit more than expected this time.

It was kind of scary, Friend.

But - let's go back to the dream.

It left me curious.  I felt so amazing when I woke up afterward.  I mean, I was ashamed and my head was throbbing - but I just felt, um, relieved?

If I were to be touched like that, would I really like it?  I mean, I just don't know.  I'm so curious that I'm worried about what the truth is.

I just - I feel very weird, Friend.

~ Mikey