I Don't Even Know ❇ malum au

29

I was watching Spongebob.

The little, square guy always seemed to give me peace.

I was so tired, and it felt as though I'd just given up.  I hadn't talked to Calum for what seemed to be forever.  I was waiting until the evidence of my breakdowns had gone away.  Though, it seemed to take forever.

I gave up on wearing my baggy shirt and sleep pants.  If I wasn't talking to Calum, and Ashton was in America - I didn't really have to hide anything.

I was just wearing my boxers.  It was too hot to wear much of anything else.  The burns didn't make anything better, either.  Even if it was cold, my skin still felt hot due to my stupidity.

I should had been able to prevent myself from stooping to the lows of hurting myself like that.

Then, something unexpected happened.  I heard movement downstairs in the background.  I came to the conclusion that it was a burglar.  I knew that my father didn't want to be near me, and I probably had made Calum forget about me.  So, it had to burglar.

I should had locked the front door.

Though, I realized, there was a lot of things that I should had done differently in life.

I didn't bother to further investigate the supposed burglar - hoping that whoever it was would just kill me and steal all of my stupid memories.  But I was going to make sure that they didn't touch my journal.

Then, Calum suddenly walked into my room.  I instinctively pulled up the blanket to where it would cover my body, my heart racing.

"Mikey, what's been up with you lately?  I've been worried sick," he sighed, running a hand through his curls, looking to be relieved that I was alive.

Damn, I sure wish that I was dead.

I didn't reply.  I couldn't reply.  It felt as though I were frozen.  I guessed that the fear had me in shock that he had actually showed up.  I definitely did not want him to see all of the marks.

There were way too many.

I just held a death grip on the blanket, my head dropped in shame.  I hated that my failing to talk to him over the past few days had upset him that much.

I was too meaningless to be aloud upset someone as amazing as him.

I was just a burden.

"Talk to me, Mikey."

I didn't speak, but I did glance up to him with tear brimmed eyes.  I wasn't crying, not yet - but I was just so ashamed of what I had done.

I didn't even feel that bad after I had first done it.

I didn't want to disappoint him; and him being there made my guilt even stronger.

"Mikey?"  He looked me over, seeming to notice how I held onto the blanket.  He frowned, and I dropped my head again.  I couldn't face the truth.

I was a fuck-up who didn't deserve even a chance with the younger boy.

"S-sorry," I felt a tear stream down my face.

The boy then grabbed ahold of the blanket, and gently tugged on it - motioning for me to let go.  I quickly shook my head, "n-no."

He then tugged a little more, but I refused to let go.  So, he pulled a bit harder, the blanket leaving my grip.  I had such a firm hold on the material, but he was stronger than me.

The blanket fell to the floor, my marked up body being revealed.

I looked to his eyes, him appearing to be teared up.  I felt awful.

"Baby?  No, baby," he managed to crawl up on the bed, pulling me into a hug.  "You're still so beautiful."

I felt his lips pepper my tear-covered face, my eyes slammed shut while I let out my emotion.  He kept his arms around me, his lips repeatedly pressing all over my skin.

"Whatever you did - please don't do it again, baby."

He held me so closely.  I was somewhat relieved that he didn't storm off.  But I still felt so awful.

I guessed that I was just really overbearing with self-pity.

"I-I'm s-so sorry," I kept repeating as he gently rubbed my red back.

"Sorry."

"Sorry."

"Sorry."

I felt his face press into my messy hair, him then whispering, "please stop apologizing."

•••

He didn't ask any questions right off - he just pulled the blanket back onto the bed and we layed there for what felt like hours.  He had gently placed his arms around me, seeing the burns.

It felt as though my body was on fire.

Not just because of my stupidity, but because he was that close to me.

"I'm not gonna ask what you did," he whispered lightly, tracing patterns on my back with his index finger, "but I will ask something."

I shyly looked up to his eyes, no longer crying.  He had comforted me, and I was extremely thankful for that.

"Next time you wanna do whatever you did, just call me.  I'll be with you so that you won't do it.  You don't deserve to be in pain, baby."

I nodded, "I-I promise t-that I-I'll call you, C-Cal."

•••

"You know, Mikey - I really wanna take you on a date, sometime soon."

FEELZ