Never The Same [BTS]

October 13, 2013

"Today was Jimin-hyung's birthday! Today was relaxing Sunday. We started with morning practice, but it ended early so we could celebrate. He turned 18 today. The managers bought us chicken to eat around noon and after three more hours of practice, we were given the rest of the day off. Aish, I really wish I had some of that chicken for lunch. I'm literally starving as I write and I'm too tired to get food or make something. But I'm trying to lose weight...

Park Daesul has started teasing me about something I never expected would ever happen. He and his friends saw the MV for 'We Are Bulletproof Pt. 2'. They immediately began to think of ways to harass me after they saw the video. There's a short section of the video where everyone lifts their shirt. It was during my solo, so I was in the middle... At the time, I honestly had no abs. Before I knew it, they were comparing me to Jimin-hyung, who had abs in the video and in our debut MV 'No More Dream'. So far my nicknames are 'Baby Kookie' and 'Big Kookie'. It's hard always being compared to someone else. But it's even worse when I would have to go back to the studio and actually see Jimin-hyung and act like nothing's wrong. He didn't do anything wrong, yet I still acted so pissed toward him. I hate Park Daesul so much...

Daesul was screwing around with my emotions. I was jealous of Jimin-hyung, I'll admit it! But I mean, who wouldn't be? I was mad at Daesul for constantly teasing me and persuading the school to do the same. I hate myself for not working out as much and being so callous toward my hyung. So today, I decided to lose weight to make myself feel more confident—and to, hopefully, stop the teasing.

What the fuck was going on?

Time just kept moving ahead and now it's Jimin-hyung's birthday. To be honest, I was kind of apathetic today. I just didn't care. It was a day to celebrate Jimin and all of these conflicting emotions were just eating me away. I should've been happy for Jimin. Instead, I was jealous and let Daesul get under my skin. I fucking hate him so much! (Daesul, not Jimin-hyung.) Most of all, I just hated myself for having uncontrollable jealousy toward my hyung on his birthday. I feel like the shittiest dongsaeng ever... That's the other reason why I didn't eat...

On the other hand, I finally got Miso-noona's number! (694-2434) We've been able to talk more by exchanging numbers. We've been texting often after school and on the weekends. Our recent conversation was about Park Daesul. I'll try and sketch out what the conversation looked like...

10/2/13 15:43 PM

Kookie! It's Park Miso!

Hi Miso-noona! How are you?

I'm fine, but school is getting hard! I've got a lot of hw in advanced acting class.

Yeah...it's getting hard for me too.

Oh right...choir...
Don't worry. I'm sure everything will die down sooner or later.

It's become a lot more difficult, though...

Oh rlly? How?

Daesul and his entourage are making fun of me...
Like, how I have no abs in the "We Are Bulletproof Pt. 2" MV.
And how Jimin-hyung does in "No More Dream".

Listen, Kookie...
Daesul is going to make it hard for you, but I know how he is.

How is he?

He's going to quit after a while. Just wait it out. I'm sure he'll move onto another kid.

I hope so...

He will. ;^)

It's just really hard now. The teasing is just...next to unbearable.

What do you mean?

Every day, they talk about Jimin-hyung and compare us.
I'm jealous of Jimin, tbh. I admit it.
I've seen them.
I don't blame you.

And then I think of Daesul when I see Jimin. There are just so many conflicting feelings...

I see...
This is tricky.

It's Jimin-hyung's birthday soon. I just want to celebrate and be happy for him.
And I don't want to be so upset over something so inconsequential such as visuals.

I understand you. It's always a struggle—even among my friends and I!

Do you?

As a woman looking for jobs in the entertainment business, it's a must to be thin.
And it's not like it's a healthy thin either. You have to be a stick!

Yeah...
There are some female trainees that I met a while ago. They literally ate nothing.

Yeah, it's crazy.
But let's stop talking about me.
If you want me to talk to Park Daesul, I will.

Thanks, but no thanks. I think I can handle this.

Are you sure?

I'm sure. Besides, this is something I should be dealing with alone.

You shouldn't always be so solitary...
You can't always handle things alone...

I'll be okay.

Okay. I trust you.

So that's what happened. In retrospect, it would've been much better to ask her to talk to Daesul. I wish I didn't have so many conflicting feelings. I kind of wish that everything could go back to the way it was before we debuted. Everything was much more simple," J-Hope read.

Suddenly, a small almost inaudible noise sounded alerting the Bangtan Boys. Namjoon felt his phone shaking on the table in front of him. He grasped his phone and turned it over to check the caller ID. And before anyone could say anything, Rap Monster quickly answered it.

Everyone watched with curiosity filling their eyes with hope. But they saw Rap Monster's expression digress out of optimism. Shit.