Never The Same [BTS]

Fragile

Rap Monster lost it. He picked up his phone, pressed on the contact information for Park Miso, and called her. He raised the phone to his mouth and let out a plethora of colorful words, not even letting Miso mention anything.

I couldn't believe what I just heard. The words of the man who had just upbraided me reverberated in my head. He was shouting insults and accusations. Horrible friend. It made me feel even more guilty than I already did. Push-over. I know I could've done something. Stop torturing us! I could've done lots of things to prevent this from happening. Why don't you tell it to our faces? That's a good idea, Namjoon...

My friend and co-worker, Eric, approached me from behind as I sat a chair in my dressing room with my phone sitting on the counter in front of me. The bright lights flashed on my face and my reflection stared back at me. And then there was Eric, reminding me of him once again. All bright and bubbly like he used to be.

But now, that's never going to happen again. It might not, anyway. It's never the same without him. And I might lose him...

"Miso? Miso? Miso?" Eric shook my shoulder.

My eyes flashed up at him.

"What did you think of today's shooting?" he asked me, grinning.
"It was fine...," I lied.
"Just fine?"

I nodded my head and he swung around to lean on my dresser with his arms crossed to further examine me.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You've been acting kind of strange today."
"I've been getting some weird texts and phone calls," I replied.
"From who?"
"Some people from home...in Korea."

Eric was a nice guy, but he had no idea what was buzzing in my mind at the moment. He's a tall, white guy who's probably never even heard of BTS. He doesn't know anything. He's going to assume the wrong thing.

"If—" he started.
"Eric, they're not hecklers or haters, if that's what you're thinking. They're people that I knew of. It's really complicated. And I've been thinking some things through...," I said.
"Okay...and?"
"I think I'm leaving the show."

Eric froze. I could hear his breath get caught in his throat. I know that they needed me on set, but I'm not going to keep showing up to work just to play the stereotypical Asian doctor. Besides, I needed some time to think things over.

I didn't do anything else that day. I just returned home, wrote a short letter of resignation, and waited for a response from the producer. They'll be mad, angry, and furious at me—just like everyone else. 

But this time, I didn't care.

****

I couldn't help it. I didn't mean to hurt Jimin-hyung. I was mad, upset, and in pain just like everyone else. I can't live in a world knowing that Jungkook isn't here and could've been. I'm trying to put the pieces together—trying to understand why this happened—but I can't help but surrender to the feral, aggressive feelings that are growing in my gut. Everyone did something wrong to him; I probably did too. I just feel a need to seek vengeance.

Maybe it's wrong, but I can't help myself.

****

Did I really influence him that much? If so, he must've really looked up to me; really liked me. But, I don't even know how. I mean, I don't even really like me so how could he? God, and it hurt him so much! How could I have not noticed? I was so caught up in myself, just like Taehyung said. For fuck's sake, I'm his hyung too! Am I a bad influence?