Torn.

6 - Arguments and Lies

**TRIGGER WARNING** (warning right before it's coming up)

I was at my breaking point. Just thinking of Kian made me feel like I could burst into tears. I never thought someone I loved so much would hurt me I'm so many ways. But, I guess that's what I get for falling for him too fast.

I laid in bed thinking about where I went wrong. What did I do to that kid that made him stop caring? It's not like I ever thought I would have a chance with him anyways. I KNEW HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND I KNEW HE HAD HIS BAD BOY REP. I knew it, but somehow there was something deep down inside of me that made me want him more.

"Alex, you in there?" A soft, muffled, voice said from outside my door.

"Who is it?" I asked, trying to sound as calm as possible.

"Kian."

I looked in the mirror next to me and saw mascara stains under my eyes and my eyes were completely bloodshot. Part of me wanted to let him in, let him see all the tear I've cried, but the other half made me want to yell at him and tell you to leave.

"How'd you get past my mom?" I growled, well if you consider the 'choked' noise I made growling.

"She isn't home. The front door was unlocked so I let myself in," He softly responded.

"I can't talk to you right now. I can't forgive you that easily."

I slowly got off my bed and walked over to the door. Knowing Kian, I knew he wouldn't just sit on the other side of the door.

"C'mon Alex. We need to talk."

Slowly, I twisted the doorknob, opening the door. He stood there with his hands in his pocket, lightly rocking back and forth on his heels. He looked fine, completely normal, while I on the other hand looked like I had just gotten hit by a truck.

"Alex, I'm so sorry-" He began.

"Yeah Kian, I've heard it. But you think you can get me to believe anything you're saying anymore? You acted like a fucking jerk at school. You know about my past, you know that I'm scared of becoming close with anyone because they usually just leave me. And after that fucking game you decided to play, I finally figured out that I should just keep to myself. Not be so open," I ranted, completely raged.

"What game was I playing Alex?"

"Well, how 'bout the game called 'Get Alex to fall for me, but then have my girlfriend dump a slushie on her'?"

"Alex, I'm not playing a game."

"Kian, I should known. The popular jock just uses nerdy, quiet girls like me to have a little fun. See how far you can make me fall for you. See how easy it is to break my heart."

"Alex, I AM NOT MESSING AROUND ANYMORE. My head and heart are in two different places right now. You don't know how hard it is to juggle my feelings right now. I'm fucking falling apart."

"HOW ARE YOU FALLING APART?!?! YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED!"

"I didn't Alex. I FUCKING WANT YOU!! HAPPY?"

I slowly backed away. I knew if I tried to say anything more, my voice would come out sounding shaky and scared. Kian looked like at any moment he would snap. The veins in his arm were bulging out. His face had turned a light shade of red.

"K-k-kian. I need you to leave," I shakily said.

"Why Alex? I just confessed something that I wanted to keep a secret. Don't you want to talk or something?" He asked, obviously very confused.

"Kian, please. I need time to take this all in. This has just all- ugh. Please."

"Alex, I'm not leaving. We need to talk."

"Kian. I'm about to either explode or burst into tears. I don't think you want to see this. Now please, leave."

"I'm not leaving you alone. I don't want you to-"

"Kian, I'm fine. Troye's on his way."

"ALEX. I FUCKING DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU ALONE AFTER WHAT JUST HAPPENED. You can easily relapse in the three minutes you're alone."

"KIAN! FUCKING GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

**trigger coming**

With that, I knew that he finally got the message. He slowly shuffled out of my room, gently closing the door before racing out of my house.

Quickly, I ran to my bathroom and locked the door. I reached under my sink and grabbed the only thing that has stuck with me throughout the past couple years.

The cold, metal slid across my wrist easily. Blood slowly trickled down my arm, stopping at the bend by my elbow. A total of six cuts before I decided I was done. I didn't bother cleaning off my wrist and arm since Troye wasn't even coming. Also, I needed to see the mess I created and did to myself before I calm down.

I unlocked the bathroom door and opened it up to see Kian standing there, tears trickling down his eyes. His hands were shaking from being held in a tight fist.

"YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING TO RELAPSE. I BELIEVED YOU!!" He yelled and cried at the same time.

"YOU FUCKING DID THIS TO ME! I WAS FINE UNTIL YOU ENTERED MY LIFE. ITS BEEN THREE MONTHS KIAN, THREE MONTHS!" Now, I was crying.

I knew I shouldn't have told him that when I get super sad or depressed my mind immediately goes towards self harm. Now, I would never ever attempt suicide, but something about cutting myself takes the pain away from my head / heart and converts it over to physical pain, which is something I could deal with. 

"AND I DIDN'T WANT TO ALEX. I FUCKING KNEW HOW EASILY YOU COULD RELAPSE!"

"Then why'd you leave?"

"Because it was either stay and argue with you or leave to make you happy. And I figured since I still wanted you in my life I should leave."

"Well, I don't even think I know you anymore Kian after the shit you pulled today. I need time to think, my mom is home so you don't have to worry. Please leave."

"Alex, I'm not-"

"Leave. I won't harm myself."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

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