Unexpected Turn. [h.s. & n.h.]

Chapter 19

DAY 7/PART 2

I didn't fall asleep in Harry's pillow but I got thinking of what I mess I am without him, I mean I was a mess before him and now I've been a week without him and I slipped, I've been slipping so fucking hard again. To be honest I feel empty and alone, I mean I am surrounded by people every single day and I still feel so alone, it feels different being in a room with all my friends without Harry, probably because whenever we are invited to a friends I am always sitting on his lap, or sitting beside him with my hand on his thigh. Always some type of physical contact, its weird because I am used to him being away for work, but the difference is I know when he coming back home from work and in this position I have no idea; I have no idea when he'll be coming home to me. This week has felt like months because right now in my world everything is going in slow motion, I have honestly been trying to keep my hopes up but my hope has disappeared, I don't think he is going to wake up. Some people wake up after being in a coma after months or years, it's been a week and I am a complete wreck, I can't sit around for months or years waiting. I just cant, ill lose my mind.

I got out of bed and found myself in front of the bathroom mirror, we had one of those mirrors that opened up and there were my 4 bottles of pills I hated with a passion. I have four different medications. I have been taking antidepressants since I was 15 because of my family life was so bad, I couldn't handle the constant screaming and fighting so I would lock myself in my room, for days sometimes and my mother tried to drag me to the doctors because she finally figured out "hey there's something wrong with my kid" but I would budge, I wouldn't go so a house doctor came and since then I have been taking them. Then I take Zoloft for my anxiety, I started off not being able to present in front of a class. I think every teen hates presenting or taking in front of a class but I would start crying and wouldn't be able to breath, as it got older it got worse. It was like every time my brother would verbally assault me I would get a panic attack and my brother would think it was the funniest thing ever. But it got worse, when I starting drinking I had them almost every day and then I just stopped leaving my house. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to function without the Zoloft. When I have a panic attack my breathing gets all uneven and I cant talk and it honestly feels like I am dying, its one of the worst things I have to deal with.

Then finally I take sleeping pills, I get bad nightmares and then I just don't want to sleep the next night because I am too scared, and I also take them because I normally cannot fall asleep when I am alone. I hated taking the pills, I wish I didn't have to but I mean I literally depended on the one so I couldn't just stop. It's always a struggle when I have to take them. I act like a five year old who wont eat the vegetables for dinner. But Harry would always ease me into taking them; he would bribe me sometimes or hid them in my food sometimes. He always made sure that I took them because he just wanted me to be okay. But he hasn't been here, so no one has been telling me to take them. So I haven't. I took each bottle one by one and screw the lids off and slushed them around a little, I could feel my heart racing. I took two of the bottles and poured them down the toilet, it felt sort of satisfying to be honest.  I didn't even notice I was crying until one tear drop fell into the sink, and then I felt the warm water on my cheeks. I sat myself down on the floor and put my head between my knees, my hands were shaking.

"I cant do this anymore Harry." I whispered to myself.

The tiles on the floor had heated up and it was nice and warm in the whole bathroom. I fiddled with the last pill bottle until dropping a handful into my palms.

"If you're not waking up Harry then what's the point, I fell to hard for you. I love you too much and that's why this hurts so bad, that's why my heart feels so heavy. I am so sorry for this Harry but I love you, never forget that." I said once again to myself.

I placed the small white pills in my mouth, closed my eyes a swallowed. I stood up from where I was sitting and walked into our closet and picked up Harry's dirty white shirt from the last morning and slipped it over. Leaving me in the shirt, my bra and underwear. I climbed into bed, again on his side and laid down. My cheeks were warms and my eyes burned red from all the crying. I looked over to the picture of us again.

"I love you Harry, I always will." I whisper.

I was going into a peaceful sleep and I was okay with it.

A/N : IM SORRY, I seriously cried writing the last two chapters, I have no idea why but some parts just hit hard I guess. I feel bad for Allie, I feel like she was just a ticking time bomb and because she held her emotions in it just got to much.