Hollow (Harry Styles) #Wattys2016

Chapter 91

Songs: 

Complicated/Fading: Rihanna

Love Me or Leave Me: Little Mix

Just Be: Paloma Faith

A.J.'s POV

About two weeks have gone by since my sister left with, Theo, back to New York. It took everything inside of me to not follow them and get out of this place. As much as I would love to say that things between, Harry and I have gotten better, they have only gotten worse. The only plus to this whole mess is the fact that we both have developed some sort of routine. And the crazy amount of great sex.

I "wake up", every morning around four, head down to the gym for a two hour workout, leave for a run while, Harry wakes up for his workout. By eight, I have gotten ready, made breakfast for the both of us and head off to work while, Harry heads off to the studio.

If I'm not writing or painting, I'm fielding Samara's many questions about my emotional, mental and physical health. I understand her concern, but it gets frustrating at times. Even, Ollie takes it upon herself to "check up" on me from time to time. It gets to the point where I have to ask, Harry to meet up so I can release all the damn tension that builds up or drink. I had taken quite a liking to a bottle of whiskey, Louis had sent over when we first moved into our house. If, Harry can't make it, I wait until I get home to workout for another hour or so to blow off the steam that's built up during the day before I get right back to working on my novel while I wait for, Harry to get home. 

He says he's working, but the stench of alcohol, cheap perfume and his need to fuck give him away. By the time we finish with that, it's time for me to "wake up", again. I wanted to be angry with him, but I knew he was in his grieving process. At least that's what I told myself. He let me go through my process, it was only fair I let him go through his, I guess.

I want to believe that he is cheating on me and all the reports of him being with models and countless woman were true, it would make me leaving him much easier. But, I know, despite everything, that is something he would never do. Aside from his assurance every time we're in bed, and Landon's need to make sure I know he wasn't with another woman, I know, somewhere in the back of my mind that, Harry would not cheat on me. And I hate it. I wish I was insecure in that aspect, I wish I had doubts in his fidelity.

But, I didn't. He came home to me every night, late, but he was here. I should have been angry with him, he was basically just using me for sex, but I was doing the same thing. I could have said no, but I was selfish and needy. Although I probably wasn't emotionally ready to be having sex with him, once we started, it didn't stop. There was something different about our sex now. It was sloppy and more carnal than before, it lacked the love we felt from one another, but lust, passion and anger replaced it, and I frankly don't think I minded.

Emotionally, the sex was not fulfilling, but it seems to hit every other requirement. He easily, brought me to a state of euphoria, each time, multiple times, but that was it. We didn't even cuddle anymore. Once we were both satisfied, we both just rolled over to the very edges of the large bed, him to sleep and me to stare at the clock until it struck four. Again, I didn't mind it.

What I did mind was the silence. Aside from the meetings we had to attend together, the harsh whispers in bed and a few texts here and there, we didn't cross words. He was silent, he had nothing to say to me. And no matter how much my mind swirled with the things I wanted to talk to him about, every time I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Nothing but silence came out, there was nothing but silence between us.

That's what hurt the most, not being able to be myself with him, like I had grown accustomed to. I felt like I was losing him and myself in the process. I honestly didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't know who I was becoming, but I knew I didn't like it.