Hollow (Harry Styles) #Wattys2016

Chapter 100

Songs: 

Try: Nelly Furtado

Runnin': Naughty Boy Ft. Beyonce & Arrow Benjamin

The End: Little Mix

Autumn Leaves: Chris Brown Ft. Kendrick Lamar

And I Had You There: Frankie J

Farewell: Rihanna

Turning Tables: Adele  

Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal): Fergie

Beauty In The End: Paloma Faith

A.J.'s POV

After a long, lazy day in bed yesterday, I was up early and ready for the day. The only problem was what I wanted to do. It was now six o'clock in the morning and I had been awake for the past two hours, sitting in the middle of the bed, watching, Harry sleep. Not wanting him to wake up and disrupt my thinking, I had put a pillow in my place. I don't even know if he still felt the same way about my not being next to him when he woke up, the way he used to, but just in case.

When I woke up this morning, I felt odd and different, and I knew it had everything to do with the huge rock on my finger. It was beautiful, I couldn't deny that, but the meaning behind it made it the most hideous thing in the whole world. It wasn't the thought of marrying, Harry that repulsed me. I would have loved that... months ago. It was the idea of marrying, Harry when I had so many doubts about our relationship. Yes, I loved him, still, even after everything that had happened and everything I said yesterday, even despite the incident with the piano. Though it was going to take some time, a very long time for me to forgive him for that. But, I think it was the fact of marrying him now was just so wrong that disgusted me.

He and I were not the same people we were back when we went to, Australia. At least, I knew I wasn't the same person. I haven't been since the moment I met, Harry. I was different, a lot different. For a time, I was the happiest I had ever been, but now that I think about it, it was only because of him. I have been so wrapped up in, Harry and all the magnificent things he does that I was too blind to see how dependent I was of him.

My happiness literally depended on him. That's not the person I was before and it wasn't the person I wanted to be. If I was being honest, I really didn't know who I was without him. These past weeks that he and I were emotionally distant, I wasn't even living anymore. I my lungs were receiving air, but I wasn't breathing. I had a life, but I wasn't living. I was stuck living through the motions of the everyday norm, hoping to somehow be whatever it was that, Harry needed at the moment. My life revolved solely around him.

How the hell did I expect to marry someone when I felt like I was no one? I had to fix myself before I could continue on with this so called relationship. Otherwise, I would end up married and unhappy with the person I love the most.

But, wasn't that part of the deal. Sticking by the person you love no matter what, through the thick and thin. Of course I could do that, but at what price.

Just like that, Louis' question popped into my head. "But, is it worth your sanity?"

I didn't quite know the answer to that. Harry was worth everything to me. I'd give up my last dime just to be with him, but was I willing to give up my peace of mind just to be able to say he was still mine and I was his?

I thought back to the little ten year old girl, laying between her brother and dead father, desperately clinging for life. She didn't deserve the life I was living. She deserved to find true happiness, without having to depend it on someone else. She deserved to know what true love was before she committed her entire life to someone. She didn't face death, survive the cruelty of her mother and she definitely didn't grow up so fast for me to just settle, just because I was madly in love with possibly the most perfectly imperfect human being on this planet.