I remember spacing out that time when my phone rang. I knew it was Lance, but still, I let it rang thinking that I was giving him a punishment for leaving me.
I was stupid and immature.
"Hey," I remember saying when I finally answered the phone. No good morning or anything...
"Good morning, sleepyhead" he greeted positively. I got more upset hearing his happy voice as if he isn’t leaving me for two weeks.
That day was his flight to Paris. I couldn't take it… couldn’t understand it because this is the first time he'll be leaving me. I wanted to talk more but I was afraid that I’ll just convince him to stay and I can't do that. Despite my childishness, I knew his family needed him.
Their business expansion in Paris had some problems I heard. His aunt – his only family together with his cousin – couldn’t leave the country since they needed someone who will manage the greater responsibility here in the Philippines. As the only man in the family, he needs to go.
“Look, everything will be fine. I’ll be here. You won’t even notice it,” he said consoling me. “Aunt Lisa and Muriel need me now. You know that, right?”
"I love you," I sighed. I didn’t know back then that was the last time he'll be hearing that.
"hmm, you miss me already?” He chuckled. “I'll be back in two weeks. You'll wait for me, right?"
And, I have waited... but he never did come back because he couldn't, and it killed me over and over again for the past years.
A small bitter smile is on my lips. How can I forget that last conversation? It’s like a curse that I have to live with.
And like a curse, it will leave me empty and lonely again.
I should've talked to him more then. I shouldn’t have let him go there. Or maybe, I should’ve escaped and go with him. At least I wouldn't have to go through all the pain because I died too.
When I felt my hands turned cold, I immediately calmed myself. I shook my head and inhaled deeply. My mother will freak out seeing me like this. She knows me well. One slip of emotion, she’ll surely know.
I looked at myself one last time through the mirror.
"Am I ready for this?" I whispered.
I know I'm not and maybe, I will never be. But, I don't want to keep concerning my parents. They're old and deserve to enjoy their lives.
I should do this.
After 6 long years, I can act normal again. Not much of my old self, but at least, I can manage my emotions now. I worked so hard for this. I have built myself to start anew. Lance's death caused me so much pain. Though I couldn't say that I've recovered from the torment, but my I can live now.
A dead person living.
The door opened and I automatically plastered a big smile on my face.
"You look stunning!" My mom exclaimed. Happiness is very evident on her face seeing me wear the wedding dress she designed herself. "You'll make a good and gorgeous wife. Carl is a lucky man," she added teary-eyed.
Lucky? I think he'll be doomed.
