Nagising ako ng mag isa na lang sa kama. Babangon na sana ko when I felt something down there... Damn! It hurts...
Hindi ko na ininda ang sakit at nagdirediretso na ko sa banyo para maligo. I have to go to the office dahil may mga appointments akong kailangang tapusin. Yes, kakakasal ko lang and I know that I'm suppose to stay and spend time with my husband but, were not the normal newly wed couple for we both know that this is only an arrange marriage.
Hindi ko din alam kung napilitan ba syang pakasalan ako and I don't care. If he want a divorce, of course he can have it pero hindi pa pwede ngayon, ayokong mag alala pa sina Dad thinking that I need to talk to some doctor dahil hindi pa ko nakaka move on.
"Hey... G-good morning..." napatigil ako sa pag iisip ng mapatingin ako sa gawi ni Carl. He's wearing an apron and still, he manage to look good.
"Nagluto ako ng breakfast... sabi ng mommy mo sanay ka raw mag almusal so I've decided to cook" tumingin sya sa suot ko "papasok ka?..." he added confused.
"a-ah yeah, may kailangan kasi akong tapusin" I answered without looking at him.
Weird, I felt something I shouldn't feel. It's awkwardness. Emotions...
I shook my head at nagmadali akong lumabas afraid to entertain any bullshits that I may put in my mind.
----
My real plan was to go to the office, I just found myself buying flowers... Yes, I don't know what got into me, I just felt the need of seeing him. I'm going to visit him... I'm going to visit Lance
When I reach his tomb... coldness suddenly came in to my system. The same coldness I felt when I learned that he's dead. I guess I've never really moved on. Tanggap ko ng patay na sya, na hindi na sya babalik. I just missed him... so much that it hurts. It stinks and I hate myself for being so pathetic.
"Bakit?? You said you'll come back... you promised me... W-why?" My voice cracked. A tear escaped my eye. I thought I was strong... strong enough to control my tears. It was 4 years ago nung huli akong umiyak. I did manage to be ok dahil ayoko ng mag alala sina mommy, I know they also suffered a lot nung mga panahong halos hindi na ko kumain. I may sound so stupid for some but I don't fucking care, they don't know how I felt back then or even now. I hide it and it fucking doubles the pain...
"Ikaw dapat yon... ikaw d-dapat..." nasanay na ko sa kanya. I used to put his surname beside my name back then. I planned my life with him... we already planned it... together
"Francis Lance Ledesma.. Why did you take him? You know I love him that much... Bakit sya pa? Bakit s-si Lance pa..." lumuhod ako at dahan dahang hinaplos ang libingan nya trying to feel him
Dumiretso ako sa opisina pagkatapos kong dalawin ang puntod ni Lance. Nakayuko lamang ang mga empleyado sa pagdaan ko, nagtataka siguro ang mga ito kung bakit ako naroroon gayong kakakasal ko pa lamang.
Usap usapan rin kasi na kaya hindi pa ako ulit nag kakaroon ng boyfriend ay dahil sa hindi pa ako nakakalimot. Nobody knows the real story kaya nanatiling tsismis lang ang lahat. Ang secretary ko lang nya ang tanging nakakaalam ng totoo dahil ang sina mommy na mismo ang nagkwento sa kanya. Kaya naiintindihan nito ang lahat, I've worked hard para mabaling ang atensyon ko sa iba, dahilan para lalong lumago ang negosyo namin. My father's into clothing business habang pagma-manufacture naman ang negosyo sa side ni Mommy.
Many have tried to court me but I declined them all. Most of them called me a human robot... ni hindi kasi ako ngumingiti ng totoo, it's always a business smile... pag kailangan lang. Hindi na rin ako nakipag tawanan o kahit umiyak na syang ikinatakot ng parents ko, leading them to make an arrangement.
Alam kong wala naman talagang problema... nagdahilan lang ang mga ito make me agree to marry Carl. Carl Drake Montereal the heir of the Montereal Group of Companies boto sina Dad rito. Our parents were friends back in college kaya napag desisyonan nilang i-arrange lahat.
Hinayaan ko sila. Bakit? Para na rin siguro hindi na sila mag alala sakin. I should let my parents live their lives. Kaya ko naman na ang sarili ko.
Carl is a total stranger to me. Ang alam ko lang ay nag iisang anak rin ito. Im not worried though. I know my parents wouldn't let me marry a wrong man.
