Pregnant and Alone

Week 20 Journal

Dear Babies,

I'm not sure what's going to happen to us, little ones. Mikey left us and I don't think he will be coming back. He took a few of his clothes with him to the motel where he is staying at with his parents.

Never be alone if this happens to you, girls. Go to each other and care for each other if I'm not around when it happens. Go to your best friend or me if I'm still alive. Losing someone you love is like living through hell.

Calum. I lost him first. I found out but an emotionless letter from the army saying he was killed in action. He fought in the U. S. A. Army, fighting to keep our Country's freedoms. I was so proud of him but to loose him felt like I was the one who got shot. I broke down at the funeral, kneeling in front of his casket. My mother and father haven't ever seen me that sad in my life and I never want to go back to it. Once they put Uncle Calum ( he would have wanted you two to call him that ) in the ground, I laid beside his tombstone for six hours. I didn't want to leave him. I still haven't left him, but I'm stronger now.

Liz&Andrew. My parents. They would have been your grandparents. I was at school, waiting for them to pick me up from my last track meet as a Senior. I won first place. One hour passed. Two hours passed. Three hours passed. They weren't answering their phones and I started to panic. I ran over to my coach, asking him to help. His smile changed to a frown, driving me over to the area of the accident. I saw my parents being put into ambulance's and were taken away. Three and a half hours later, both of them were pronounced dead. I was on my own now.

Casey. Your father. A dirty, rotten, scumbag of the earth. I met him at the restaurant I worked at. We both hit it off and soon we bought an apartment together. He took me to his parent's house and they had here dogs. His parents were so sweet but rotten on the inside. Like father like son. A week after our year anniversary, I finally let him get what he wanted. Which was, ya know, the D! Batta Bing Batta Boom, I've got two little cakes in the oven. I didn't think he would have a problem since he was so good with his nieces and nephews but nope. Out of the house like that. May the odds be forever not in his favor.

Now Michael.

This boy with sparkling green eyes, hair in different shades of color and freckles that dust his nose and cheeks perfectly. He has great beard growing skills and can make some dank ramen.

Whenever he was typing an essay for college, he would tap his foot on the hardwood floors. He hates eating peanut butter on his toast and he wears socks with holes in them.

With so many traits and flaws, I found him as a perfect match for me. He cared so much and worked hard for what he deserved. He is a great handy man in the physical objects around the house and in the mental and emotional areas in my head.

He was too good for me.

Ripped away from me even while I clung to him. He managed to run away before I could take him back. I was too late. I was too late to stop Calum from enlisting into the army. I was too late to save my parents from the drunk driver. I was too late for Casey. His heart was already too cold for me to warm.

I just need Michael back.

He saw those scars back from when I was sixteen. He didn't criticize. He adored them. He loved them. After I showed him, every night, he would pull down my sweatpants and press a kiss to each individual scar. He made me feel worth something.

Maybe I wasn't actually useless.

Looking back at those scars, I can feel my depression seeping in through the cracks of my weakened foundation. Depression never fully goes away. It waits in the shadows, waiting for you at your weakest moments, then attacks. It's up to you if you can build strong enough walls to keep yourself safe from the sadness.

I can feel my walls breaking in.