Chasing Sunsets

Chapter 39:

♪♪ Take me away from the demons in my brain. Take me out to the world. Take me out into the day and let me find my peace of mind...

Tatlong araw nang pabalik-balik si Dustin sa labas ng bahay ko. Iniintay nya ako sa labas para kausapin sya. Hindi ko naman masabi kay Nikos dahil magagalit yun. Ayoko ng gulo. At ayoko na din pag-aksayahan pa sya ng oras.

But I decided to talk to him. For closure. Para tumigil na rin sya. Hindi pwedeng magtago na lang ako sa kanya. Bakit pa 'di ba? Wala na akong nararamdaman para sa kanya. I just wanted answers.

Lumabas ako at nakita ko syang nakaupo sa harap ng bahay. Nakatungo sya at mukhang naiinip na sa paghihintay.

"Okay, let's just talk in your car." Napalingon sya nang marining ako. Mukhang hindi sya makapaniwala na lumabas ako ng bahay. Dali dali syang tumayo at humarap sa direksyon ko. Nagsimula na akong maglakad bago pa nya ako malapitan.

Pumasok ako sa kotse nya. Sumunod naman sya sa akin.

"Paano mo ako nahanap?" Tanong ko sa kanya.

"I saw you. Tapos sinundan ko kayo." Sagot nya.

"Paano?" Muli kong tanong.

"I don't think you remember how she looked like kaya siguro hindi mo nalaman agad. But remember Nica? Nakita kong kinausap ka nya nung may contest sya sa music school na pinapasukan nya. She's my niece. She used to visit us dati. Kaya siguro pamilyar ka sa kanya."

"I see." Yan na lang ang naisagot ko. Kaya pala tinanong nung bata kung nagkita na kami dati. How fateful it is na nasa iisang lugar pala kami nung araw na yun.

Tahimik lang kami sa loob ng ilang minuto. Walang naglalakas-loob na magsalita.

"Ilang minuto lang ang ibibigay ko sayo so you probably should start talking." I broke the silence.

"Okay." Sabi nya habang nakatingin sa akin. Seryoso ang ekspresyon sa mukha nya. Maitim ang ilalim ng mga mata nyang dati ay nangungusap kahit sa malayo. Mukha syang pagod. Ibang-iba sya kaysa noong dati o nag-iba na lang talaga ang tingin ko sa kanya. "I'll go straight to the point. I want you back, Serene. I regret everything."

"Dustin De Leon, for goodness' sake, I'm here for closure and not for another chapter with you." I put my palms on my forehead in frustration.

"Serene, I made mistakes. I fcked up, but I love you." Sabi nya. Hindi mapakali ang mga kamay nya na parang gusto nya akong hawakan pero pinipigilan nya ang sarili nya.

"No, you don't. Stop messing with me." Sagot ko sa kanya. "Well, maybe you did but that love was not enough for you to stay before. At hindi rin yun sapat para bumalik ako sa'yo ngayon."

"Natakot lang ako, Serene. I have all these dreams that I want to achieve before I settle down. Hindi pa ako handang magpakasal noon. I was pressured. And I admit it, I took you for granted. I didn't know your worth until you left." Sabi nya na punung-puno na pagsisi ang tono. Hindi ako makatingin sa mga mata nya dahil hindi ako sanay na makitang wala na yung dating ningning doon.

"Dustin, I only had you. You know that. I don't have any friends but you and Elle. I only had you and you left me." Tears were starting to well up in my eyes. Betrayal is really the worst thing your loved ones could do to you.

"I'm sorry, Serene. Pinagsisisihan ko yun. I set you aside. I thought you're gonna be there waiting for me once I've laid out all my plans for myself. I was selfish. I didn't include you in my dreams. I should've dreamt with you. Look at the mess that I am right now."

I finally looked at his eyes. I could feel the gravity of first love trying to draw me back in. But it could only try. It won't win. Because my love for Nikos is the greatest force of all. It could defy gravity and everything.

"You deserve it. You know how weak I was. You know my insecurities, my fears, everything. You were my only escape from reality. How could you hurt me like that?" Hindi na sya makasagot. His palms were on his face. "I thought you knew me more than anybody else does but I was wrong."

Inintay ko na may sabihin sya pero nanatili syang tahimik. Ito na siguro ang tamang oras para magpaalam na. Gusto lang ilabas yung mga sama ng loob ko sa kanya. Matagal ko na namang natanggap yung kinahinatnan namin at napatawad ko narin sya.

"I loved you, Dustin. You were my sun. But I realized I had always seen you setting from the start, you know. In broken promises, cancelled dates, forgotten anniversary, unreturned affection, and birthday surprises that never happened; I had always seen the signs." Hindi ako makapaniwalang umiiyak ako ng dahil sa kanya  for the first time in a very long time. Pero masarap sa pakiramdam na mailabas lahat ng suppressed emotions na matagal ko ng kinikimkim.

"I kept chasing the inevitable sunset. But I couldn't. You hurt me, you broke my heart. I stopped running for you. I have learned to let you go, Dustin. I forgive you because I can't stay mad at you. I will always love you, you know. In a so much different way than before, but I'll always do. Just please, let me go too."

"I can't, Serene." He looked so frustrated. I can't tell if he's crying. "Do you love him?"

"I do. So much."

"But I can't let you go. For now, please just go home.  If not for me, then for your family. They need you."

"I will go home. But please lang din, tumigil ka na. Sinabi ko na lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa'yo. Sana naiintindihan mo."

Nagpaalam na ako at bumaba ng kotse. Bumalik ako sa loob ng bahay. Mayamaya ay nakinig ko ang kotse nya na papaalis na.